Imperfect
by AnthonyMarie
Summary: Bella took everything Edward Cullen said to her that day in the woods to heart but especially one part in particular—She wasn’t good enough. Then Jacob imprints too, and Bella becomes obsessed with changing herself “for the better.” She attends Brown, authors a famous, best-selling book series, and makes just a few other...changes. New Moon AU, Bella OOC
1. BlastFromThePast

I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.*

Ch. 1 Blast From The Past

BPOV

"Toni, baby! I loved the re-write on chapter 23, but you've gotta give me more with that final line. We can't spoil the plot for the next book in the line-up. Also, give me more smut. The readers eat it all up! Anyway, call me back, so we can meet up later to discuss it in person!" The voicemail ended abruptly, and I shoved the phone back in my pocket.

I was supposed to be re-stocking the books in the non-fiction section, but when I saw the little green message icon appear on the front of my phone, I knew I couldn't ignore it. After all, working in this dingy little shop was just my cover for my actual job. I couldn't exactly tell Charlie that I was the undercover author of an internationally acclaimed book series which basically chronicled my romantic relationship with Edward Cullen. Of course, I had to remove all the supernatural mumbo jumbo from the story, but substitute vegetarian vampire in love with a human who has a psychotic vampire after her for a bad-boy heroin addict running from the dealer who's after his good-girl love interest and badda-bing, instant seller!

Don't get me wrong, I loved working in the shop. Bookstores and libraries have always been a few of the only places I could find true peace in my life. It was definitely the only place besides my apartment where I could lose myself and break free of the memories which otherwise consumed my every waking moment. 'You're no good for me.' He had said, finally revealing what I already knew deep in my heart to be true. I wasn't good enough for him. I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, thin enough, graceful enough, strong enough, fast enough, god-like enough...

Then there was Jacob Black. He was my best friend at one point, and he had also claimed to be madly in love with me. After months and months of his wooing me, I finally reached a point where I was ready to fully relinquish all hope of Edward ever returning to me and gave in to Jacob's advances. We worked pretty well together too...for awhile. I spent my days on the reservation while the wolves patrolled for Victoria who was intent to kill me.

Victoria. A shudder ran down my spine at the thought of her. Thankfully, the wolves were able to finally catch her a few months after her return to Forks.

Things were good again between Jacob and I after they got rid of Victoria, that is, until he saw her...Venessa. I was happy that he found his soulmate, but where did that leave me? Alone, again. Rejected and left broken-hearted by an inhumanly perfect supernatural being for something better, again.

I could go on forever about all the ways I would never amount to Edward's expectations of a mate or how I would never be as perfect for Jacob as his imprint, but I had decided not soon after Jake and Vanessa's meeting that if I couldn't be what anyone wanted or needed as I was, then I needed to be better than what I was. I would be better than what Edward wanted or what Jacob had. Well, I would be better in as many ways as a normal human possibly could be better. If I ever crossed paths with Edward, he would see me and regret ever leaving, ever walking away from my attained perfection. I just had a few more tweaks to make and I would be just that...perfect.

I was already wildly financially successful, even if no one knew it was me who authored _The New York Times_ current number one best selling book series, a spot in which it had remained for thirteen consecutive weeks, but who's counting?

I chose to write under a pen-name for a couple of reasons. The first was that I couldn't care less about the fame itself. I merely needed steady income to help me meet ends in my path to perfection. Second, the book really did follow mine and Edward's relationship closely enough that I didn't want anyone—like seven nosey, no-good, abandoning vampires—thinking that I was still pining after them or revealing too much.

I didn't really expect how successful the story would become. I was just writing what I knew like everyone always tells authors to do. How was I supposed to know that the story would spread everywhere, spanning across every corner of all seven continents? The media reported that there was even a research team in Antarctica that allegedly had a copy mailed to them. I never would have guessed that a little over six months after it's release there would be big-wig Hollywood producers hitting up my agent for rights to the story to make it the next summer box office hit. It was an instant, unexpected smash.

Now that I had secured finances, I was also able to attend university at Brown and study literature, something I never would have been able to afford on my own even in my wildest dreams.

With my long-forgotten financial problems out of the way and most of my schooling under my belt—more money *check, higher intelligence *check*—I could focus on the real reason Edward didn't want me, my depressingly plain appearance. I had a few procedures done here and there—just a nip and tuck really—tightened a few things, removed a few things, plumped a few things... I was nearly there, but there were just a few more pieces to the puzzle that I needed to have done to finally be complete, to be perfect. The Bella from three years ago wouldn't recognize who I was now, and that was a good thing.

I even picked up marathon running—that's right world! Poor little clumsy Bella Swan that used to trip on air runs marathons and WINS—so now I could move through the world without the constant threat of worrying when my next accidental, self-inflicted injury would be. Plus there was the added benefit of calories burned...

I was suddenly pulled from my musings when the bell above the shop door rang, so I slowly walked back to the front of the store ready to greet the new customers. Just because I didn't technically need this job, didn't mean that I wanted to be fired. I shot a sheepish smile at Jim, my boss, who narrowed his eyes when I did because he knew I had been hiding out in non-fiction on my phone.

I rounded the edge of the shelf closest to the store entryway only to stop dead in my tracks. Eric Yorkie was standing there looking around like he was lost. It was like a blast from the past, but that was ok. It was just Eric...it could have been worse. Someone else from Forks could have showed up, someone arrogant and handsome who sparkled in the sun...Yes, that would have been far worse.

When he saw me, Eric straightened himself and puffed out his scrawny chest a bit with a smile. I fought the urge to roll my eyes as I approached him. "Hey Eric. What are you doing here?"

Confusion crossed his face before he asked, "Do I know you?"

"Ha. Ha. Very funny, Yorkie. Why are you on the East Coast?"

His wrinkled brow sunk deeper. "Seriously, this is so weird. I'm drawing a major blank here. Were you at that writer's convention over the summer or...?"

"Eric, it's me. Bella."

He shrugged his shoulders and shook his head making a face as if to say "yeah that means nothing to me..."

"Seriously? Bella Swan from Forks? We went to school together for almost two years!"

His eyes were wide enough that if I had just walked up and seen him that way, I'd be concerned. "Bella?" He took a timid step forward. "Is that really you? I didn't recognize you...you look so..."

"Much better?" I smirked in feigned confidence to try and hide the blush that was spreading rapidly across my cheeks and chest—the one thing I could do nothing about. He didn't look like he enjoyed what he was seeing. I might need to call Dr. Gullege's office for another consult...

"Umm...different..?" He chuckled nervously, and my heart sank. Even nerdy Eric Yorkie didn't like what he saw.

I looked over to the clock which read two thirty. My shift was officially over. "Yeah. Well, it's time for me to go home now, so it was...umm...good to see you, I guess..." I trailed off as I tried to make as graceful of an exit as possible when you're trying to hold all your tears in.

"Bella? Wait! I didn't mean you looked bad...just different...ugh I'm screwing this all up...You wanna go get a coffee and catch up? I just moved to the area. I transferred to Brown. It would be nice to have at least one friend here." He smiled hopefully.

I looked down at my phone and the little voicemail icon which was blinking again. I really had work to do, but I guess I could spare a few minutes. It would be nice to visit with my old friend. I didn't have many here in Providence.

"Umm, yeah. Sure. Just give me a minute to get my bag."

"Really?" He looked so excited, and I laughed.

"Yeah. Why? Did you think I would really miss the opportunity to catch up with you?"

"Honestly? Well, you never really gave me the time of day in High School. You were...busy with other things..."

I frowned and looked to my feet awkwardly. "I'm really sorry that I made you feel that way, Eric. I didn't mean to. I was just in a bad place there. I had to get out. That's why I moved out here on the East Coast. I actually go to Brown too." I offered him a small smile.

"Wow. That's awesome! This day just got even better. Tell me you're not studying Journalism?!"

"English Lit, but we may have some classes together." I had to laugh at the way his eyes lit up.

"This is amazing. Hey, I'm the new editor of the paper—"

"Of course you are."

He smiled and winked but continued, "—and I would love it if you joined the team. I'll give you top pick of whichever section you want."

"I don't know. I'm pretty busy between the shop and school..." and working on the next book in my top selling series...

"Come on! It will be just like the good old days! Please? Don't make me beg. You know I'll do it!"

Eric had matured and seemed more confident. It suited him. "I...uhh...ok, but only on a trial basis. I don't want to mess up your paper because of my crazy schedule."

His grin spread ear to ear. "Yes! Perfect! How about that coffee, so we can figure out the deets?"

"Ok." I shook my head and smiled at his enthusiasm.

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	2. TheVision

Ch. 2 The Vision

EPOV

As I stared into the purple haze of smoke which swirled around me and rose up into the sky, I couldn't help but feel disappointed at the quick return to emptiness to which my mind retreated. Although I was long past expectation to feel...to feel. That's it. I couldn't feel. Even this emotion that my mind wanted to identify as disappointment was nothing but a hollow stand-in for the real thing.

My reason for being, my self, my purpose to this never ending existence was gone, and I had no one to blame but myself. I had thought that if I could catch Victoria, end her, that I could find some way to exist that didn't threaten to suffocate me into a new never-ending, numbness, but instead I found myself laying here beside the remainder of what was Victoria feeling nothing. The task finally complete, but there was no triumph or even a bit of indifference. There was nothing—a void—without her, my love, my life, my purpose for existence. I couldn't bring myself to even think her name.

I had chased after Victoria all over the world for this past year motivated by the idea that if I could stop her, if I could end her, I could somehow feel worthy of my love.

I had done the only thing I could do to save her from this dark existence. I had left her. I had lied to her, and I would do it again a hundred times if it meant that she could remain a light away from the darkness of my world. I would not destroy her light. I would not bring her into the dark that way.

So here I laid on the ground beside a smoking mound of Victoria's remains, staring into the purple haze searching for motivation, anything really to force myself to move, to continue this pointless, numb existence. Eventually the smoke dissipated, and my nostrils no longer burned from the rescindment of its saccharine scent.

"You could just go to her, you know. She would take you back."

If I could feel anything, it might have been shock since I hadn't even heard her mind approaching, but as it was, my head didn't even shift toward the tiny, raven-haired pixie I knew I would see there.

"Edward! This is stupid! Get up. You're so deep into your self-loathing that I can't even see you clearly anymore. I barely caught a glimpse to know where to find you." Alice continued on but I was barely registering what she was saying. I was focusing on the face which encompassed my thoughts, my love. "Who was that?" I heard Alice's sharp inhale of air through her nose, and the even deeper intake of breath from recognition before she hissed, "Victoria." Then silence. Perhaps she left. I couldn't make myself move to see, or even reach out from myself to use any of my other senses. There was nothing. I was nothing.

After a while I grew vaguely aware that the Earth was moving beneath me. Someone was moving me. Somewhere in my logical mind I knew I should feel fear or even confusion, at the very least, but there was again nothing, nothing without my reason for existing. I could not have her, therefore I could not be.

Time ceases to mean much after the change. Days turn into nights, nights into days. What used to be a clear and concise difference between the two separated by the blessing of sleep becomes a blurred forward motion denoted only by the urge to search for your next prey. That was how I had existed before her. Days bleeding into nights, nights into days, hunt after hunt.

After knowing love, true, unadulterated, innocent, perfect love, I could never go back to any semblance of what I was before her. It is said that time heals most wounds, but what does that mean for a creature made of stone like myself? If you drilled a hole into a rock, could you ever really compact that dust back into its original form to restore even a shadow of the stone's prior strength? Yet, even with its holes, the rock continues to be. This is where I found myself. A stone with holes which could never be filled, a shadow of the creature I once was, and I was resigned to remain this way so long as I knew my love was safe, only to find a way to leave this hellish world once she had as well.

After Alice dragged me back to be with my family it took months for them to even put a crack in the defensive walls of emptiness I had developed to guard myself from the pain. Even after another half a year of my self-imposed solitude, I had starved myself to the point that I was so physically weak and my body in such a desperate state that Emmett and Jasper were finally able—after my months of refusal—to carry me into the forest surrounding my family home and force an elk into my bite.

Despite my unwillingness to strengthen myself even a bit, once the first drop of blood reached my throat, my damned unchangeable nature betrayed my conscious determination, forcing me to continue to drain the animal of its life until I was strong enough to walk again and refuse to drink more, but still weak enough that I could not escape my brothers' hold on me. They continued this cycle of forcing me to drink whenever I grew weak enough that I could no longer fight them. Over and over, week after week. I just wanted to be left alone.

So here we were again, in the forest, me barricaded to the ground by Emmett's unbreakable hold while Jasper forced an elk to my nearly fossilized lips. It had been 3 years, 1 month, 6 days, 16 hours, 52 minutes, and 8, 9, 10, 11...seconds since I had spoken those blasphemous words to my love, the words that truly ended any reason I had to exist. Yet, the wounds were still as open and fresh as the moment the lies had escaped my tongue.

Her beautiful face drifted through my mind for the thousandth time today. Her large chocolate irises bored into my memory, captivating my every bit of concentration.

"My love..." I moaned, as I remained on the ground and curled to my side wishing for the ability to produce tears for all that I had lost, had stupidly given up out of necessity for her safety. I ignored my brothers and remained silent despite their attempts to engage me as they dragged me back to our Alaskan home. The selfish monster in me thought, 'you could go find her,' but my logical, protective self squashed the thought as soon as it invaded my mind. I couldn't find her. I had to let her live. She was better off without me.

Day in and day out these conflicting parts of myself argued their sides like those silly cartoons with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The biggest problem with that analogy, though, was that there was nothing angelic about me. Both sides of my psyche were damned. Only my love had been able to awaken some goodness in me with all the goodness and pureness that made up her beautiful soul. Now without any of her pureness with me, I was surely damned.

All my thoughts always returned to her. Every second of every day, every moment of forever would be with her on my mind. This newest trail of thought seemed to drill another hole into my stone heart. I cried out a deafening moan to try to release some of the agony I felt.

After several hours spent sobbing without tears, I finally calmed and quieted in a semi-numb state. I could never truly be numb as a vampire, but I was able to reallocate the pain that I felt to the back of my mind, much like I had been able to desensitize myself to the scent of my love before. I stared out a window into the snow-covered forest. I couldn't find it in myself to care where I was. I assumed I was still in the house where my brothers had deposited me.

'Son.' Carlisle's thoughts penetrated my mind even in it's numbed state. I didn't acknowledge his approach or thoughts. He sighed and walked away. I continued to stare out the window and count the days, hours, minutes, and seconds since I had seen my love—3 years, 1 month, 7 days, 4 hours, 48 minutes, and 26, 27, 28, 29 seconds...

After a while, more thoughts drifted up to me. This was what I hated about satiating my thirst. With strength, came the more frequent intrusions into my mind, stealing space that should be reserved only for thoughts of her, my love. "Love..." I groaned into the floor, gripping the bottom of a chair so hard that it nearly disintegrated in my hand.

'Dude needs to just go get her...the hell?'

'So selfish...getting tired of waiting for him to get over it...'

'...poor thing...heartbroken...'

'My responsibility...have to fix this...my son...'

In that moment, my numbness broke, and I felt monumentally guilty for what I was doing to my family. This is exactly why I had left them, so they wouldn't need to witness my undoing. I knew I would never recover or even be able to exist neutrally after knowing and leaving her. I knew it and was willing to suffer if it meant that she was safe, but they shouldn't have to watch while it happened. I was further disgusted by myself and forced the thoughts from my consciousness again, and returned to silently worshipping my love...

3 years, 1 month, 18 days, 13 hours, 27 minutes, and 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18—

"EDWARD!" Alice shrieked.

Alice? ALICE! Suddenly, my mind was pulled to alertness. Without conscious effort, my defensive predatory instincts took over and I was positioned into an awkward—due to my weakened, unfed state—crouch. My eyes scanned my surroundings fruitlessly. I inhaled deeply, but there was nothing but the dust in the air and remnants of the scent of my family from when they had come to check on me last. I listened both with my ears and mind searching for anything that could possibly elicit such a reaction from my sister.

'Edward, I saw her! Bella!'

I instantly recoiled from the name, the sound of it drilled a million tiny holes into my dead heart. My family members knew better than to think of her around me. It had been months since anyone had slipped, and I overheard the name. I hissed in reaction to her thoughts, but couldn't bring myself to ignore what she said. She saw her? My love?

I told Alice not to look for her future, but the selfish monster in me was desperate for a chance to see her again in any way he could.

'Oh shut it. I didn't search for her. It just came to me!' She shielded her vision from me, but I could hear her coming up the stairs to where I still remained crouched.

My muscles relaxed instantly, silently cursing the little nymph for her dramatic outburst, but I couldn't deny the excitement I felt at a chance to once more see the only reason I existed. My love...

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	3. Unexpected

Ch. 3 Unexpected

BPOV

I pulled into the ground floor of the parking deck to my apartment building. One of the greatest perks to living in the penthouse was having reserved ground parking with a private elevator which travelled directly to my home. I laughed quietly to myself as I imagined what the Cullens would think if they saw me now. Surely they would be impressed. They always did like the finer things in life. If it wasn't designer, name-brand, or—even better—one-of-a-kind, they didn't want it. I should have realized long before that day in the woods that Edward and I would never work.

Edward. The ghost of pain shot through my heart once more. 'Ugh go away! We hate him! Remember traitor heart?!' I ignored the feeling expertly after all these years of growing accustomed to the constantly painful nuisance as I angrily mashed the button that would take me to my apartment and swiped my access card in the elevator.

When I got to my floor, I gently removed my shoes and carried them to their home in my huge, Alice-worthy-sized walk-in closet. I couldn't stand the thought of tracking any germs from the ground outside into my perfectly lush, white carpet. Nope, straight to the shoe shelf for them! In my room I gingerly changed into my athletic wear and pulled my hair up.

As I turned to make my way out for my mid-day run, I caught my reflection in the mirror hanging above the console table in the foyer. My thoughts drifted back to my short time in Forks and how much I had truly changed since then. My body was leaner, better proportioned to an hourglass instead of a boyish rectangle, my chest well...endowed. My hair was now dyed to more of a honey brown with golden highlights, and my skin was artificially darkened with spray tanner. My brown eyes were concealed with green lenses. My face was thinner, more defined, along my jaw since I had it shaved down, but my cheeks and lips were plumper, a product of fillers. I brought my finger up to the tip of my nose as I manipulated the direction it sat. 'Hmm maybe just a lift and a slight shaving of the bone at the bridge...I'll have to call Dr. Gullege's assistant to set up an appointment and see what he can do...Maybe a bit of replacement fillers to my lips and cheeks' I frowned at the wrinkles which had begun to form along my brow line. 'A bit more fillers and Botox there too...' I nodded to my own inner monologue, and went back to the elevator.

This time when I stepped out, I was in the main lobby. "Hey Tommy! How's the wife?" I called to the security officer there.

"She's good. Off for your run?" I have always liked Tommy he's such a kind man, always joyful and happy to greet any passerby's with a smile and a wave. He kind of reminded me of Jacob before he went and...imprinted. I tried to hide the scowl from my face.

"Yeah, I've gotta stay on top of those calories. They'll creep up on you if you're not careful." I smiled.

"Oh come on! You could skip one night, you know. Live a little!" He replied with a sly grin and a wink.

"I'm trying to be the oldest living woman on Earth in a couple hundred years, so I can't take the risk!" I joked, "Anyway, tell Jen I say 'hi' and give the kids hugs from me...Later!" I waved over my shoulder as I pushed the revolving door that went out to the street.

I moved off the sidewalk out of the way of people walking by so I could stretch. After a few routine motions, I jumped to my feet lithely and began a steady pace down the edge of the road as I swiped through the playlists on my iPod. I briefly got the feeling that I was being watched, but I stopped long enough to sweep the area and found nothing out of the ordinary.

I was trying to decide between upbeat or moody as my thoughts reverted back to the Cullens, or more specifically, Edward. He was always so devastatingly beautiful, and even I knew that my memories couldn't scratch the surface, his chiseled jaw, intense golden eyes, those thick lashes...and then the man behind the face. His mysterious tension—well, not so mysterious to me since I knew the conflicts he had with his vampiric nature and desperate fight not to lose his humanity. My thoughts turned dark toward him again because it was that exact internal fight that drove Edward to entertain mere mortals like myself. 'Distractions' was the word he used. Too bad he grew tired of me. 'Poor Bella Swan, collateral damage in a vampire's attempts to break up the monotony of eternal existence.' I shook my head feebly trying to clear my mind, but my phone did the job for me when it rang, breaking me from my revery.

"Hey dad, what's up?" I smiled at the thought of him sitting behind his desk at work now.

"Long time no see." Charlie had recently been speaking to me in even fewer words than usual. I felt bad that we had grown so far apart these last few years after we had been so close back in Forks, but the only way I could lead the double life that I had made for myself, I had to be able to maintain the secret, which entailed lying—something I'm known for being unable to do convincingly, so a bit of distance was necessary.

"Dad, you know I would come visit if it were possible, but it's not, or at least, not right now. The shop's been pretty busy lately. You know how it gets..." I explained lamely.

"Sure, sure." His reply made me smile despite the obvious indifference because I knew Charlie had picked it up from Jacob. Jacob, my Jacob—no Venessa's Jacob now. I felt a twang of pain lick at the edges of the hole in my chest which had developed when Edward abandoned me and only grew larger when I had to leave Forks. It all became too much. My self-hatred was like a toxic disease, slowly spreading and infecting each person in my life from all my negativity.

I finally decided one day that I needed to do something, anything to grant me the catharsis that I so desperately craved. One night I found an old, blank journal in the back of my closet, I had brought the battered book with me all the way from Arizona without realizing it had been shoved in the bottom of my backpack, never used. When I saw the blank pages, it was a bit too representative of my state of mind in that moment. I was blank, nothing, empty. Then it occurred to me, maybe I'm not empty and worthless, but a blank slate, ready to begin anew. Two weeks later I finished the rough draft which would eventually become the first book in my series. I don't know what possessed me to actually have the thing published, but it was an instant sensation and, as mentioned before, gave me the tools I needed to better myself.

A few months later, I found myself packing and leaving for Brown, ready to take on the world. Charlie and Jake just thought I had decided to travel. They knew nothing about my attendance at Brown or of the hushed book deals I was making. I made sure that my contracts included protection for my privacy and identity. I refused to sit and interview for any media, printed or filmed.

Before I enrolled for my first semester, I changed my name legally to Marie Higginbotham, my middle name and mother's maiden name. It may seem like I was running, but I truly just wanted a fresh start. Plus I liked to remain...discreet. It's pretty difficult to start over when your father is the chief of police and has contacts all over the Olympic Peninsula who could track my whereabouts, and let's also not mention the fact that Jake could phase into a giant wolf with heightened senses designed especially for tracking. This clean break and new identity had been my only chance at a fresh start.

"So you're not coming home for summer again?" Charlie's defeated voice saddened me, but as much as I wished that I could go home, I couldn't. There was way too much going on with my newest book which was scheduled to release in June, four months from now.

"Sorry, Cha-Dad," I quickly corrected. "I just...I don't have the time. I need to go now. I'll talk to you soon. Love you." I hung up before he could move to his next argument.

Tears rose to the brim of my eyes, but I blinked them away. I missed Charlie, truly, but I couldn't bring myself to regret the choices that led me to Brown. I could finally walk around with a bit of anonymity and not be regarded as the "police chief's poor daughter" who was abandoned in the woods by her boyfriend and subsequently went crazy, no more pitying stares or commentary in hushed whispers following me. I was just Marie, lit student and bookstore worker to some and a mysterious, twenty-something, billionaire extraordinaire to others. Most of the people in my building just assumed that I was a trust fund baby since they didn't know I was the highest paid author in the modern era.

I continued to run another four miles, picking up my pace near mile five when I felt the paranoia of being watched creep over me once more. I turned another block and picked up my pace a bit more, but the nagging feeling wouldn't leave. Before long, I was running full speed, trying to maintain a steady breath and looking over my shoulder every few seconds. There was definitely someone watching. I couldn't explain it, but my body had the all too familiar reaction of goosebumps and hair raised on the nape of my neck. I pushed my muscles to propel me faster yet. I was still a few miles from home, and I wanted nothing more in that moment than to retreat to the comfortable solitude of my bed and pull the covers over my head.

My breathing sounded more ragged as I strained against the limitations of my humanity to move even quicker. I could no longer control the breaths moving in and out of my lungs, my heart rate erratic. I was feeling faint despite the rush of adrenaline pulsing through me, but I continued to push through the panic.

I wasn't paying any attention to the road ahead of me when my foot caught a hole in the asphalt causing me to lose my footing, and I braced myself for the ground that was now hurtling toward me—a feeling I had felt a million times before but not lately since my trained body had more balance and control. The impact never happened.

"Are you alright?" It was him. Him, Him. The Him. The one who both tormented my every waking moment and graced me with his comforting presence in my every dream. Edward Cullen. I had to be dreaming now. This couldn't be real.

My heart sped to a pace that I had never felt, even in mist of my longest spin class. My breathing increased to a rate which was in no way conducive to carrying oxygen to my brain, and the world began to spin.

"Whoa. Easy. Take a deep breath...I think you may have pushed yourself too far."

He was perfectly seventeen. Just as I remembered him, except better. I couldn't say anything. I only stared back at him, gaping at the eternal boy who stole my heart and then crushed it into a million pieces.

"I..." That was all that left me before the world went black.


	4. Reunions

Ch. 4 Reunions

BPOV

I felt like I was floating, warm waves of wonder and wholeness swimming around me, caressing me, pulling me deeper into this never-ending ocean and swallowing me whole. As my mind shifted from somewhere between a dream-like and conscious state, an amazingly familiar, cool, solid marble slab replaced the foreign water, and I turned to curled comfortably into the stone wall which surrounded me. I had to hold onto this feeling. It was my favorite dream.

"Mmm..." I smiled to myself, eyes still closed in my half-asleep state, as memories of happier times overwhelmed me...rolling with him between sheets, legs entangled in one another, his honey-saccharine breath tickling my back as he breathed down my shirt...You're not good enough...

I started at the memory of the disenchanted sound of his voice reminding me that these would only ever be memories. "Shit." I whispered to myself, opening my eyes slowly but holding my hand across my face to only allow the light to partially stream through as I moved one finger away at a time.

"Welcome back." A velvety smooth voice followed a silkened chuckle of bell chimes.

My hand flung away from my eyes, revealing Edward's gloriously perfect face hovering near mine as he held me against his icy, rock-hard chest. It wasn't a dream.

He was smiling softly, but it didn't look like it used to. The expression lacked the right amount of warmth...the love. This was polite indifference. This was his true feelings for me. No, he didn't love me. I wasn't good enough.

A noise somewhere between a choke and a cough escaped me as I jumped out of his arms and away from him. He had been about to set me on the ground when my sudden movement almost seemed to surprise him which only made things worse for me as I tripped over his foot, but he caught me by the hand at the last second before I hit my face on the ground. The familiar buzz of energy between us shot up my arm, and I jerked my hand away. I looked around to see that we were close to my penthouse, maybe a few blocks away. I must have only been out for a few seconds. "What do you want?" I asked him sharply.

"I'm sorry?" He seemed genuinely confused by my tone, but then his face smoothed. "Oh, excuse me. I saw you jogging and thought you might be in trouble. Then you passed out before I could properly offer assistance. My name is Edward."

"What?" My brain which was still all jumbled—even more so now as his smooth, velvety voice graced my ears and honey-lilac scent swirled around me, trapping me in its soft embrace—couldn't understand what kind of greeting that was after all this time apart, so I just stood still and continued to stare. Why was he behaving like he didn't know me? I knew his name was Edward...Actually, I knew far more than just his name.

"Edward Cullen, and you are?" He tried again.

Did he really not know it was me? What about his perfect vampire recall? I knew he didn't love me. I knew he couldn't be bothered to even finish up his senior year back in Forks as he ran away from me. I also knew that my plain humanness bored him, but to pretend that he didn't know who I was? Sure my appearance had changed a bit, but I saw him breathe me in. He would instantly know me from my scent, if nothing else. Then my cluttered thoughts came to a head, and it was decided. He wanted to be petty? Well bring it on, Cullen.

"Needing to get home." He wanted to pick up another human girl to play with? Well, it wouldn't be me, not this time. I learned my lesson. This time I would leave him wondering about the beautiful, mysterious woman who rejected him.

"It is usually customary for one person to offer their name once the other has done so..." His voice lowered as he looked down at me through his thick, dark lashes. He was flirting. He really didn't know it was me, and he was flirting!

"Ok. Well, thanks. Edmund you said?" I made my voice as indifferent as possible.

"Edward..." A small smile played on his lips.

"Right. I'll forget that, so how about I just call you Ed? I probably won't see you again anyway, so goodbye." I put emphasis on the nickname hoping he would flinch, but instead his expression remained neutral with that same slight smile.

Then, just before I turned away, I noticed his expression change. For just the smallest fraction of a second he looked to be in pain, like his insides were on fire. I couldn't understand the look, but the expression cleared into his signature stoic, coldness just as quickly—the same look he last showed me when he left me in the woods—before clearing his throat and replying, "Well, I'm glad you're alright then. Goodbye whoever you are."

"Bye." I answered flatly, not willing for him to have the last word.

Edward's eyes held no recognition for me. Was this some kind of cruel joke? 'Oh I'll just leave Bella in the woods and ultimately abandon her to fend for herself against crazy vindictive vampires, never to return until one day when I will randomly run into her, catching her off guard, and pretend not to know her just so I can cruelly remind her how little I have ever really cared about her.'

As the familiar pain shot through my chest, I recalled how broken I had been after he left, when they all left, actually, and I remembered that I was better than this. I didn't need him. I didn't need any of them. Screw the Cullens and their damned sense of superiority! I wanted to show him just how little I really needed him, so I also rearranged my expression into what I hoped was aloofness. I flicked my long ponytail over my shoulder, channelling my inner Rosalie Hale, and turned on my heel to return to my previous task, not feeling a need to respond to his false expression of concern.

I left him standing on the sidewalk as I circled back to my apartment, barely holding myself together. I clutched my chest as the stupid hole burned around the edges.

I stopped right before reaching the lobby door, and ducked into the alley between my building and the coffee shop nextdoor, my breaths raking in and out of my lungs painfully. 'I don't need him. He doesn't want me. I don't want him...'

Through long-practiced breathing techniques, I was able to calm myself enough to stand and continue back into the lobby.

"Did you break your record, Marie?" Tommy called to me with a smile from his perch.

"Not quite. I got...distracted, but there's always tomorrow, right?" My voice sounded strained. Hopefully Tommy would chalk it up to exertion after a good workout. I kept walking without waiting for a reply, heading straight to the elevator bank. I jogged in place—probably looking ridiculous—while I waited because I worried that if I were to stop moving physically, I might be overcome with feelings which I didn't want to face right now...or ever.

Edward Cullen was here. Was he here to stay? Would I run into him again? I hoped not...or did I? 'Shut up about Edward Cullen! He doesn't care about you. He told you so himself. Ignore him.'

I pushed the thoughts back as the bell rang announcing my floor, and I stepped out of the elevator. I carefully removed my shoes and took them back to my closet before going shoeless out to my oversized balcony. The smooth cool tile against my bare feet reminded me of the comfort I felt in Edward's chest as I had come back to awareness earlier. I looked out from my balcony at the view of the city, leaning against the railing as I desperately wished the cool wind could take my conflicting thoughts with it. I needed to focus on something else.

I had so much to do today, and running into Edward so unexpectedly was throwing everything off. I had a life now apart from him. He no longer held me captive in his sick game. I was better now. I was not worthless. I was a freaking rockstar! 'Look around Bella! You don't need him!'

I turned to the storage bench and pulled out my worn out yoga mat. I rolled the violet, patterned, rubber floor covering out, taking my place at its center as I turned to face the city landscape. The chaos of the city—cars speeding by honking their horns and the faint sound of sirens—calmed me. I was here in my own mind, a complex place of both peace and turmoil, but it was my own. Out there in the streets, things were constantly moving, out of control. Here was my domain. A place where I could make my own way.

I smiled in satisfaction to myself as I once again pushed past all the feeling that seeing Edward had dredged up. Now that my mind was calm, I was glad that the run-in had taken place. I had my closure now. He didn't even remember me. He didn't care about me. No matter what changes I made, I would never be for him. Oh well, his loss...but if I could just get rid of this annoying pang in my chest...

I began in a mountain pose. I stood straight, tensing my abdomen, feeling my spine align as I breathed slowly in and out. 'In with the good, out with the bad...'

I folded over into a half forward bend, feeling my biceps strain against the movement. I pushed my legs up into a steady, controlled handstand, and silently marveled at all that my body was capable of once I really focused on it.

I arched my back and allowed my legs to fall behind my head and easily held my position in a handstand scorpion. After a moment of my muscles protesting in exhausted satisfaction, I followed through, letting my feet gently touch the floor, so that I ended in a tight backbend with both feet and palms of my hands touching the ground. I walked my hands backward and up my heels, holding firm onto my ankles in a chakra bond pose, my hips hung out above me. The pain of the stance was lost to me. This was my place of peace. This was my domain. Mmmmm...

"Wow. I didn't think you had it in you, Bella."

I tripped over my own feet in a familiar, but long-lost state of imbalance when I jumped at the tiny voice chirping at me. "Ohmygod!" I hit the ground with a thud, knocking over a patio chair, but not really caring as I gawked at the tiny nymph standing before me. "Alice?" I squeaked out.

"Bella?" She asked in amusement but also with a hint of suspicion. "I told him it was you. Why he insists on arguing with a psychic, I'll never know. How ya been?"

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	5. SlowGoing

Ch. 5 Slow Going

I stared back into Alice's eyes. She could have been a ghost for how I was reacting, but I couldn't believe it. Alice Cullen was standing right in front of me, my former best friend, the one girl who I thought loved me and would have fought for me no matter what, but she didn't. She abandoned me just like the rest of them. She didn't love me anymore than he did... which was not at all. The realization hit me like a freight train, and the sharp intake of my gasp was nearly painful.

"Excuse me? 'How've ya been?!'" I was fuming, angry tremors rocking through me. "I've been fantastic. Better than great, really. Now get the hell out of my apartment."

"Wait! Bella, I'm sorry. I...I didn't know what to say after all this time. I shouldn't have said that..." her voice went up a few octaves if that were even possible. She had venom lining the rims of her eyes. "I just—"

I closed my eyes and sighed. I never could resist her before, but I had to be strong. I had to protect myself, so I cut her off. "No, Alice. It's been a long time with no word from any of you, and now you both just appear out of nowhere? Just...things are different now. I'm different now."

"So I see." She eyed me speculatively.

That was it, the judgement in her face. Even after all I had done, I still wasn't good enough for the perfect Cullens. "Are you kidding me? You disappeared for three and half years. You left me, remember? You don't get to look at me like that, and act like you know anything about me! Leave. Now." I was trying my hardest to keep my breaths as smooth and regular as I could so that she wouldn't know the way her presence affected me, but I could feel my resolve crumbling when her golden eyes flicked up to meet mine.

"Bella—"

"Go." I pointed to the door. Seeing Edward earlier and now Alice and hearing the hurtful way they were each able to distance themselves emotionally from anything we had been through together all those years ago sparked in my mind the world's greatest epiphany and shook me to my core. I would never be anything to them. I really was just a human distraction, a blip on their eternal radar. The realization ripped my little bit of composure to shreds, but I couldn't let her see what was internally happening to me. I had come too far after all this time to fall victim to these supernatural games.

Alice looked into my eyes earnestly for about half a minute. I don't know if she was searching for something in my expression or if she was searching my future, but whatever she found, she finally decided to leave me...again. "I'll be around if you change your mind and want to talk. I'll leave my number on the kitchen counter for you. Sorry for everything, Bella...really." She sounded truly upset, but I knew from experience that these vampires were the best actors I would ever meet. I stood silently and turned my head away so I didn't have to look into her face of false innocence.

After a few moments of silence, I assumed that she had left, and I allowed myself to glance the way she left. She was gone, and the feeling of the room was strangely desolate as if she had never been there at all, a void, a reminder that I was alone. My lower lip began to tremble as I no longer fought to maintain any form of dignity, and a single tear dropped from my eye. I clutched at my chest as I remembered the indifference in Edward's voice from before. 'Forget her. Forget him.' I thought as I swiped the traitorous tears from my cheeks. No more tears for those selfish, shallow vampires!

My phone, which never seemed to stay quiet for long, started ringing, and real life suddenly caught back up to me.

"Hello?" My tone had just a little bit too much bite to it.

"Toni, baby. Where ya been? Look, I needed to talk to you about that last chapter you wrote. You can't kill off the main character that way. The readers want a happy ending. Just keep 'em happy, and give 'em what they want. We've been over this." Stan, my agent, was a good guy. He'd been with me from the beginning, but he was in this for the money, the success. I just wanted to be done. I was already a billionaire. I could disappear into the shadows of anonymity, and go on to live a happy, human life, just like a certain vampire always wanted for me. Jerk.

"Keep _them_ happy? Them?! What about me? What about what I want? Don't I get a say in anything? What if the readers don't really know what they want until they actually see it in writing? What if they liked my ending? MINE, the one that I want! We won't really know until we try it out, right? Maybe we've been feeding ourselves the lie about a happy ending for so long that we've gotten off track of what could have been a great thing?! Huh? What about that?" I sounded like a raving lunatic, but I was tired of being steamrolled by everyone around me.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about? The editors just needed a little rewrite on that last chapter..." He was clearly taken aback by my uncharacteristic show of aggression. I was usually pretty laid back about things.

I sighed, feeling guilty for my outburst. If I was being honest with myself, I wasn't really upset about the book. I wanted a happily ever after for the characters too, but that wouldn't stay true to the real story, now would it? But it wasn't my agent's fault that a certain family of vampires were trying to ruin my life. "Sorry, Stan. You're right...I'm just...I'm a little stressed about the release coming up. You really think it will go well?"

The relief in Stan's voice at my shift back to my much more amiable and familiar demeanor was nearly palpable. "It's gonna be great! Look, come over to my place around seven, and we'll talk about it. I gotta go. There's a guy I gotta see about a new client. See ya soon."

"Yeah...ok...see you later." I hung up, and stared at my phone. Within a matter of hours, I had gone from being totally in control and sure of how things were going in my life, to totally neurotic. Ugh. The Cullens.

I looked to the clock on the wall. It was just four now. I still had time to shower and swing by the editorial office at school and drop off the final edit for this week's article to Eric. He asked me to do a filler piece for the paper, so I wrote a self-improvement article, of course. Write what you know, and you can't fail. That's my motto.

When I arrived at the school, I caught Eric just as he was leaving the office.

"Hey, Be—Marie. Sorry. It's so weird that you changed your name. Are you sure you're not a spy?" He laughed.

"Nope, just wanted a change. I think Marie suits me better anyway." I shrugged. Marie was strong and sure of her place. Puny Bella was meek and gullible. Good riddance.

"Whatever you say, babe." He kissed me on my cheek. Things were moving kind of slow between us. It had been nearly a month ago that we went on our coffee date, and there had only been one other date—a lunch—since. Everyone knows that lunch is not a real date. He was very difficult to read, though. He seemed interested, but he just wouldn't make the move. Oh well, maybe he was waiting on me. Well, Game on.

"Here, I brought the article you asked for. It's a self-help type called 'Five Fun and Fast Ways to the New You.' You wanted fluff, right?"

"Umm sure...Sounds great...so, did you hear the news?" He brushed off my description so easily that I couldn't help but frown, but he was grinning widely, almost bursting at the seams with whatever information he wanted to share.

I narrowed my eyes thinking of what his 'news' could be. I usually tried to stay as in-touch with the outside world as I could, but I was really busy now working on multiple things—work, school, work... Eric could be referencing anything from international current events to a sports match on campus. "Remind me and I'll tell you."

"They're bumping up the release date on 'Date with Destiny.' You know, the new Toni Byrd book? They made the announcement about it online like an hour ago. Isn't that great?"

"What?!" I nearly choked on my own saliva when I heard the title of my next book leave Eric's mouth, and then when I replayed back in my mind what he actually said, I really wanted to vomit. No one had even mentioned anything about a change in the date of release to me, the author.

"Yeah, so exciting! But anyway, I suggested to the team that in order to increase our readership and maintain reader loyalty we could post a series of articles on the author of the series to reel them in. You know an exposé on him, a 'who done it' type. Each week we will update our readers about what we have found. It's going to be so cool, a real-life mystery!"

"What? No one knows who the author is. That's half the fun of the series." Eric had no idea that he was looking right at her.

"You're right, except you're also wrong. One of my buddies at U-dub said he had a lead on who it might be. He didn't want to get involved in my exposé though, something about contractural clause...Apparently the author used a publishing house out of Seattle originally, and when they moved buildings they left some of their documents behind. He was doing some renovations to the building when he worked in construction last month, and he found some _interesting_ stuff..." Eric wagged his brows at me conspiratorially. "How amazing would that be if we figured it out?! Our editorial could be featured on the national line-up! We could work anywhere we wanted after graduation! So how about it? You want to go in with me 50/50?"

Now I really wanted to vomit. I didn't want this. My identity was supposed to stay in the dark. The plot line of the story hit _way_ too close to home for comfort. While the public might not be able to decipher the meaning or sift through the metaphors, a certain...species...of people would, and this could only end badly. "I don't really think that's a good idea, Eric. The author obviously wants to stay hidden. I mean, shouldn't we respect that?"

"Hey, calm down..." He reached across to tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear, and I had a flashback of Edward doing the same so many times all those years ago and I jerked backward.

"I don't feel very good. Look, I have a meeting at...errr...work. I'll just call you later if I'm feeling any better. Just...please don't do anything yet. We don't even know the legal implications of printing something like that. There's a reason your friend didn't want to get involved." I silently pleaded with my eyes. If there was ever a time that I wished I was more seductive, this was it.

"You're really worried about this, huh?" He cocked his head to the side as he looked back at me with concern.

"Yes, I just don't want you to get into trouble. You're such a brilliant journalist, and while this might seem like a good idea now, it could really mess things up for you if it's not legal. Just be careful."

"Yeah...ok." He furrowed his brow and looked down awkwardly to his black converse which he used to kick away a loose pebble on the pavement. "Please, call me later for real if you're feeling better. There's a party here on campus that I wanted to invite you to. It will be a lot of fun." The spark of mischief was back in his eye when he returned his gaze back to me.

"I don't know..." Large parties had never really been my "thing." Hoards of drunk twenty-something's hanging all over one another and shockingly loud music didn't sound like my idea of fun.

"Aww come on! You never want to go out and do things like a normal college student. Lighten up, Swa—Higginbotham...so weird." He laughed again at my name change.

Seeing the look of hope in Eric's eyes as he begged me to go made me rethink my decision. "Ok, I'll think about it if it's that important to you."

"Really? Yes!" I had to crack a smile at his excitement. He was like an eager puppy, always wanting attention but also so easy to please.

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	6. MovingOn

Sorry for the break, guys. If you follow my other story—Plot Twist at Twilight—you know that I'm an RN in the real world, and, as we all know, things have been a bit...crazy. Anyway, I'm trying to get back in the swing of things after a funk and can't wait for you guys to see where this story is headed! I hope you enjoy!

Happy Reading!

Ch. 6 Moving On

EPOV

The fog surrounding my mind was slow to recede as I ran back to the hotel where I was staying, but it did so the further from the city center that I went. The horrifying reality of what had just happened crashed into me, air gushing out of my lungs in a whoosh. Not having much experience with so much emotion lately, the sensation nearly brought me to my knees. I slowly, moving one foot behind the other, backed up until my calves hit the base of the cream sofa, and I fell, landing on my backside. I didn't waste the effort to right myself, though. Bella.

The running woman...She was Bella, my Bella. No, not my Bella, I corrected myself. I gave my Bella away all that time ago, destroying any chance of her ever being my Bella again. But it was Bella whom I had just embraced, Bella...in my arms after all this time...and I had not recognized her at all, the only being who had ever been able to chisel her way straight into my stone-covered heart.

I didn't understand what I had just experienced. I held her in my arms, and it was as if she was a stranger. My mind held no place or memory for her for those few moments, and now, as everything came back to me, I couldn't understand.

She looked so different, but I heard her voice as she spoke to Charlie on the phone, and I listened to the pounding of her heart beat which I would have sworn on my own mother's grave that I would always be able to distinguish out of a crowd of a billion others. I had stared right into the pooling depths of cocoa which she failed to hide beneath those flimsy green lenses. I had smelled her for God's sake! It was the heady floral scent of freesia and lilacs which came together to create the most delectable, most extraordinary, most sinful aroma. The unbelievably overwhelming amount of evidence should have led me to the most obvious and most wondrous conclusion that this woman—whom I had held so close to me for three minutes and forty-six seconds—was undeniably Bella, but it didn't.

I was absolutely, without any doubt, sure—altered exterior or not—that it was her, and in that moment, standing on the street with my Bella so close, my mind, for whatever reason, could not align all the facts presented before me with the person in front of me. Like some kind of short circuit in the computer that was my brain, I couldn't process the information. My thoughts were scrambled, confused, scattering and ricocheting off the steel barriers I had built between the horrible reality which I created when I left her three years ago and the fantasy that she was simply away for a time.

Just for those few minutes which we were together, I would have bet a million dollars that it wasn't her, but it was. It was her.

Indisputably, it was her, Isabella Marie Swan, and I had asininely committed the ultimate sin of not acknowledging all that was her perfection before me. Bella. My God!

But how? How could I not have known that it was her? Alice showed me where she would be. She told me to catch her before she fell. She even warned me that Bella would look differently, and yet, as soon as we were standing so closely together, a mist of doubt clouded my mind. It wasn't her. It couldn't be her, a voice whispered to me.

Was I ill? No, surely not. Being a vampire had many faults, but malaise was not one of them. Then how? Was it Bella? Her mind had always eluded me, but could she somehow be repelling me?

As I tried to draw the memory forward of our meeting from only an hour ago, it was as if I was looking at it through a veiled mirror, blurry and unsure, nearly worse than attempting to recall my human memories, but there had to be something there, anything.

Firstly, she was running. Bella was running...No, she was gracefully running. She glided effortlessly, her balance improved by a tenfold and her muscles lean and sinewy, much more defined than when I had last seen her. She had blossomed into the force which I always knew that she would.

Then, as I held her, she awoke in my arms and moaned in a way that would have made me blush in my human years, but she leapt out of my grasp quicker than I had ever seen her move, and again, she was graceful. Had I not moved to try and catch her, she wouldn't have tripped on my foot.

Next, I recalled how she had denied having my acquaintance at first, and how the man in her building had referred to her as Marie. The denial wasn't so surprising. Bella was stubborn, and I had behaved like an ass. But Marie? Her middle name? Is that what she she goes by now? If so, why? Why change her name?

Then it hit me. Maybe she wasn't being stubborn. Had she lost her memory? The thought of her not remembering me or any of the time we spent together made my chest burn with fire, hot and bright, but, then again, maybe it was best if she forgot all the horrors that time together had brought with it. But that couldn't be right. She was remembered Charlie.

This thought brought me to the last, most confusing part of everything that had happened during that brief interaction which was when I overheard Bella tell Charlie, her father who I knew she loved so dearly, that she wasn't able to come see him. Nothing would have ever kept Bella from her family. Nothing except...

I thought of the last time Bella was willing to leave her father and growled. When James was after her, she immediately made plans to get as far away as possible from Charlie to keep him safe. She was always so willing to sacrifice her own safety and happiness for others. Was that what was happening now? Was she in danger? Was someone after her? If so, I would end whoever it was before they had the chance.

If Bella—Marie as she would have it—were in trouble, I needed to stay near her. I had to keep her safe. I owed her that much.

~Imperfect~

BPOV

As I climbed the last two steps of my agent's condo, I took a few deep breaths to mentally prepare myself for this meeting. His personality could be...a lot...to handle.

I rang the bell, and after a few thuds and the muffled shouts that I knew was him on his phone with another client or associate, the door swung open.

"Toni! Good to see ya, doll. Come in. How about we get straight to it? Ya want something to drink?" Stan's words slurred together as he sped through his greeting.

He always got right to business before his guest was even through the door, not a minute to spare. Many people would see this no nonsense approach as rude, but it was one of the reasons I liked and trusted the man with my works. He was all business and professionalism. There was no time for small talk or chit chat when he was around, constantly moving a mile a minute every second of the day, answering calls, setting up meetings with clients, and talking on the Bluetooth device that I suspected was permanently implanted into his ear somehow. I had never seen him sitting. Ever. Everything about the guy screamed efficiency. He would even jog on his treadmill while we met if I caught him at the right time.

"Have a seat." He gestured to the sofa across from the black and metal desk in his office as he leaned over to shuffle through some papers. "So we just gotta end this the right way. The part in the middle of your last chapter is good. Shirtless is always better, am I right?" He laughed. I could only assume he was referencing the sex scene I had added a few days ago to "smut it up" as my editor would say.

Stan may be good at his job, but he was a chauvinist, hence the pet names like "baby" or "doll." As long as the pig did his job and kept his hands off of me though, I could ignore the attitude. This was strictly business, after all.

"Alright, so what about the release date? I saw the announcement." I quirked a brow and folded my arms across my chest, and he stopped pacing.

"I'm on it, but—"

I cut him off. As stated before, I was done being a rug. "Not only was I not informed, but that's two months early! We aren't even finished with final edits of the cover!"

"Baby, don't worry. You're amazing and can have this done in no time. I trust you. This is our last hoorah, ya know?"

He was trying to manipulate me, steamroll me. I stood, walking at a deliberately sluggish pace over to the small table against the wall to pour myself a glass of water from the crystal decanter Stan always kept there. My hands were shaking in fury, and I sighed to myself. As I attempted to hold back the waves of anger threatening to crash over me, I realized that he was right. This was almost over. 'Just finish it and move along,' I thought to myself.

"Fine. Whatever, but I'm keeping the rest as it is. I just want it done."

The tone of my voice must have been off or maybe it was the finality of what I was saying, but he actually looked up at me with a quizzical expression and said, "You really mean it this time? You really want to end it? Just like that?"

"Just like that." I spoke through my teeth. "Do whatever you have to. Tell me what you need to finish this up, and I'll be there. It's time to move on." I wiped my sweaty palms on the front of my thighs, and sighed again. "Look, I have somewhere to be, so just let me know, ok?" I turned to look at him with my brows up.

"Yeah, sure." He was still frowning at me as I moved to shake his hand, but at the last second I thought about how much he had helped me over the years. I kissed his cheek, and turned to leave.

"Goodbye, Stan."

"Bye..."

I walked out on to the sidewalk, wiping away a tear which had somehow found its way to my lips, climbed in my car, and didn't look back.

It was time to move on. He didn't even recognize me. There was no other way for the story to end. One of us had to die.

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	7. PartyGirl

Ch. 7 Party Girl

BPOV

After leaving Stan's condo, I got into my Civic—my "cover car"—and drove in circles for awhile, trying to focus on the scenery alone and forget everything else, but it was a lost cause because everywhere I looked, I was reminded of a particular _someone_ who I didn't want to think about.

The greenery surrounding providence was lush and vibrant, much like the landscape of Forks. There were rivers and bays winding their way out to the ocean, the beaches golden and rocky like La Push. Why the hell I hadn't chosen to attend somewhere browner and dryer like University of Arizona or maybe even somewhere urban and concrete like UCLA, I couldn't say, but at the time I hadn't really considered much past what I wanted to study. Idiot.

'...You're not good enough.' Ugh! My hand moved straight to my chest, my fingers sinking into the familiar crevice of my sternum. I just wished I could silence the never ending reel of his voice that played over and over in my mind

'...You're not good enough.' Over and over the phrase pounded its way into my brain.

'YOU'RE. NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH.' My nails raked across my shirt, pulling at the buttons, trying and failing to find the fire I was sure I'd find there. If I could only make it stop, make it all go away, make HIM go away.

"ENOUGH!" I screeched, slamming on my breaks and fishtailing across the left lane in the middle of I-95 until finally coming to an abrupt halt.

Everything in my mind was finally silent. Even externally, all I could hear was the sound of my panicked breaths raking in and out of my chest. I knew I was behaving erratically, totally insane, but the momentary release of all that pain and anger felt good. This was ridiculous to allow such meaningless interactions rule my life this way.

I needed to take back control.

"Mediplastics, this is Roxy speaking. How may I help you?"

"Hi, I'm calling to schedule a consultation with Dr. Gulledge. Is he available this week?"

I heard a light sigh, and then she responded in her nasally voice, "I'm sorry, but he's all booked up for the next six weeks. Is there a later date I could put you on for Ms...?"

"Higginbotham."

"Oh! Ms. Higginbotham! Of course we can make a time for you. How's tomorrow? Or Wednesday? You like afternoon appointments, right? Let me see...if we cancel that one and push this back...I'm sure she wouldn't mind waiting until Thursday...yes...there! Wednesday at four thirty? How's that?"

I grimaced to myself at Roxy's eager response. Apparently I had made a name for myself, and I wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing. Quickly reviewing my schedule, I responded, "Yes, that's fine."

"Is there anything else we can do for you? Should I go ahead and put in a request for your usual maintenance regimen?"

"Umm sure. Why not? Thank you. I'll see you Wednesday."

"Of course, Wednesday at four thirty." She repeated as if I had somehow forgotten the appointment time from ten seconds ago.

After hearing the click of the call being ended, I huffed out a breath, disappointed to find that the remainder of frustration I had been feeling hadn't suddenly dissipated. I knew it was silly to think that one freak out and a phone call would fix all my problems, but a girl could hope.

I needed more distractions, a change of pace, something to take my mind off of the last day's—or really the last several years'—events. Between my chapter re-write, the bumped up release date, and the surprise visits from Edward and Alice, everything just felt so suddenly out of my control, but, then again, maybe that was part of the problem.

Maybe I had been holding onto the reigns of my life so tightly, desperate to maintain some form of power that I was setting myself up for failure and disappointment. Maybe I needed to learn to accept surprises and change. Maybe it would feel good to let it all go and just...be.

I knew just what I needed...some fun.

Eric sounded as if he dropped his phone when I called to ask where the party was supposed to be.

"Wait, you're actually coming?" His level of excitement increased quickly from his usual over-enthusiasm to near hysterics.

"Yeah, why? What was that sound? Are you ok?" He wasn't groaning in pain, but the crack in his voice when he answered was still concerning.

"That was the sound of my freaking jaw hitting the floor. This is amazing!" I then heard what sounded like fabric rubbing together and imagined him dancing around his dorm room. I had to laugh at the image in my mind. Everything was just so uncomplicated with Eric.

"Well, you better clean up that drool off the floor before you slip and fall. Now where should I meet you?" I snapped at him playfully.

"I'll just come pick you up. What's your address?"

I froze. There was no way he could see my penthouse. That would lead to far too many unanswerable questions. There were already several times when he had asked a seemingly inoffensive question about my new life here, and I had to either dodge it or sputter out some nonsense response that didn't make any sense. He was studying to become an investigative journalist, so he wasn't completely obtuse. I would have to be careful around him, especially with his newest obsession being to unravel all the careful lies I had sewed since leaving Forks. "Umm...I'm already out. It would take forever to go back home. I'll just meet you there."

"Oh. Ok...You sure are secretive for not being a spy." He chuckled.

I took a sharp breath and then coughed to cover my gasp. "No, not secretive...just time-efficient," I squeaked out.

"Mmhmm, sure. That's just what a spy would say. Anyway, It's 118 Bentmoore Crest Road. Huge house, you can't miss it. There's a gate code, so I'll meet you at the gas station around the corner. Seriously, I'm so stoked you're actually going. This is going to be the party of the century!"

"Ok, the bar has officially been set. I expect this to be the greatest party I've ever been to since you're talking it up so much." I smiled into the receiver.

"How many parties have you been to in your lifetime?" He sounded skeptical, and I have to admit his incredulity wasn't misplaced.

"...maybe two..." I sighed, mildly chagrined. I had certainly gotten that fresh start and isolation I had aimed for...

"Then this one will definitely surpass all of your wildest expectations." He laughed again.

"Ok, ok, I'll be there in about an hour." I looked to the clock. It was already past nine, and I had class in the morning. Good thing coffee and concealer existed.

"Great!"

This time the click of the phone left me feeling almost...hopeful, not quite optimistic, but not totally in despair either.

I couldn't have gotten lost finding the party house even if I wanted to. The bass of the music could be heard several blocks away, and from the gas station, I could already see lights reflecting off the trees. This would be the party of the century Eric had promised.

"This is epic!" He enthused as we were buzzed in the gate, and I nodded dumbly at the mega-mansion before us.

It would be a miracle if I could still hear after this as loud as the musical already was from outside, but I was determined to have fun. I had promised myself that I was going to let go, so here we were.

He dropped me off in the drive as he found a place to park, and I leaned over to adjust my skirt, tugging gently at the blue chiffon. It was an outfit Alice would be proud of...all designer, but who gave a damn what she thought anyway? Not me. Let it go, my new motto.

I made my way up the steps, in awe at the grandeur of the perfectly maintained shrubbery, and iron-clad, double-doored entry. The doors hung wide open, but I was stopped by a huge security guard. His dark, bald head reached the top of the door, and one of his arms was easily the size of both my legs put together. At his size, he looked like he could give Emmett a run for his money. 'Damn it. The Cullens again...no, just let it go.'

"No personal items in the house." He spoke gruffly, eyeing my purse.

"What about my wallet?"

"No personal items in the house." The hulk answered again.

"Let it go..." I mumbled to myself.

"Excuse me? No personal items—"

"In the house. Yeah, I got it." I handed over my Birkin, and he took it gruffly with a look a satisfaction. That bag probably costed more than his car. Oh well, money wasn't really a problem if the thing went missing. I was just glad I had slipped my phone into my bra.

Just inside the entry was a large white atrium which split three ways. The floor was covered in gorgeous Spanish tile which also made its way up a grand double staircase lining either side of the foyer. The railings were made of the same black iron on the front doors and embossed in gold. There were large doorways hidden just beside the opening of either path of stairs. Directly ahead, between the stairs was a wide hall which appeared to be where most of the party activity was coming from, so I made my way forward.

It was crowded, noisy, and more than slightly overwhelming with the flashes of the strobe lights pulsing in time with the music.

There was probably close to three hundred people shoved in this one room, mostly scantily clad and in their early twenties, but a few older ones stood around bobbing their heads and looking slightly out of place. Some people were dancing, others talking, but there was one thing that united everyone, alcohol.

A small raised platform in the corner supported the DJ's stand and equipment.

"Pretty great, Huh?" Eric wagged his eyebrows at me as he approached. I hadn't even noticed him come in behind me.

"Yeah...great." I was having to majorly suppress the urge to go back outside away from all the stimuli.

"Want something to drink?" He asked cheerily, clearly not reading my disgust.

I looked around again, this time taking note of the messy giggles and slurred voices and the lazy sway the couples made out of time to the music. There were a couple of larger men arguing in the corner, and the group was spreading out in preparation for the imminent first throw of punches.

"I don't think—"

"Come on. You'll have way more fun. You look like a fish out of water." He laughed and puckered his lips, making a fish face.

'Let it go.' The voice in my mind said again.

"Ok...Umm...yeah. Whatever's strongest."

"Atta girl! Woo!" This was obviously Eric in his element. I never knew what a party guy he was, but then again, he was right, I had never really given him the time of day before now. That would all change here and now.

Besides, wasn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? This was my time to shine. I was young, hot, rich...I was on top of the world! Damnit and Damn them!

Two drinks, three drinks, five drinks, a couple of shots, beer, liquor, wine...it didn't matter. If it was liquid, I drank it. I was having the time of my life. No school, no work, no book, no stupid Cullens...

I met lots of new friends. I didn't know their names, but it didn't matter. We were all just vibing together...Everyone was hooting and laughing and dancing. The music was pulsing, hypnotizing me with its moody beats, and life was good.

This feeling of being strong, wild, and carefree was totally addictive. As the last song of the hour wound down and the DJ announced he was taking a break, I decided that I wasn't quite ready for the party to stop, so I scavenged the little stage until I found what I was looking for, a microphone. If the lazy-ass DJ wasn't going to entertain, then I would...Party of the century!

I slammed on the keys of the laptop, cutting off the music, attached the speaker cord into my phone jack, and switched the mic on, squinting and holding a finger to my ear when it made a loud screech from being too close to the speakers, but after a step backward to reposition and a few taps on the head, there was silence.

Everyone, including my date, was looking up to me expectantly with dumbfounded expressions, so I cleared my throat, laughing awkwardly but fueled with my liquid courage. "Uhh. Hiya. I didn't think it was very nice of the DJ to run off like he did when the party was just getting good—" I noticed the DJ gawking at me from the open bar, but I ignored him. "—so uhh, I'm going to keep it going and perform for you guys."

"Marie," Eric was gaping at me from a few feet away. "What are you doing?!"

"Letting go. Don't worry! I got this." I whispered, mildly annoyed that he was trying to stop me. "So without further ado, I give you the unique stylings of me, Be—I mean Marie Higginbotham..." I winked when Eric backed away with a smile playing on his lips. Oh yeah, he was really going to like this. No way was Eric Yorkie going to be unsure of where this night was headed...

I mashed the play button and listened to the opening of the music.

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	8. GettingToKnowYou

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**Ch. 8 Getting to Know You **

(EPOV)

Bella could be in trouble. I had to find her.

Logically, I knew I had to begin my search for Bella at the last place I knew she had been, her apartment, so I traced her scent right to it. She resided in the top floor penthouse, a far cry from anywhere I had ever imagined her dwelling even in the best of circumstances.

Seeing the elegant floor plan and taking in all the extravagance was to bare witness to everything I had ever wanted for her, everything I had ever wanted to offer her myself. The scheme of the place was pure luxury with a modern touch. The furnishings were a mixture of granite, hand-carved woods, and upholstery of exotic leathers and silks. There were fine Persian rugs and vintage crystal...Gold embossing and hand-embroidery. Every piece was more lavish and posh than the next.

As I toured the rooms, stopping to gawk occasionally at some of the unexpected discoveries, I found that it wasn't difficult to label the feeling coursing through me. I was proud. She had done well for herself just as I had always wanted for her.

Though, the more that I saw, the more a silent sadness made itself known. To have not witnessed this climb to greatness, all of her achievement, was my most tremendous regret yet. Bella had come from such humble beginnings, her parents each public servants, a teacher and police chief. Both were noble professions, and while each deserved far more, neither were known for their monetary rewards. Oftentimes financial success had very little to do with desire, skill, or work-ethic and much more to do with timing, luck, and social networking. I wondered which categories of that equation Bella fell into. I thought I could guess.

When I reached the last door of uncharted territory, I hesitated. As much as I wanted to uncover more and better understand the inner workings of this newer, more mysterious Bella, I couldn't bring myself to enter her bedroom. It was bad enough that I had entered her apartment without her knowledge or permission. I wouldn't breech her privacy any further than I already had.

Turning around, I took in my surroundings one last time. The penthouse was breathtaking, rich, and obviously well-designed, but as I had explored, I didn't miss that there was something off. There were no personal touches to the space. No photographs, no artwork or music, no scents of home cooked meals...no Bella.

This was a sample of Marie's life, Marie's home. Bella had not only successfully paved her way to success somehow, but she had clearly left her old self behind. I found no evidence which might lead me to her.

I skimmed the open space for anymore clues, but the only thing that seemed out of place was a white business card sitting atop the expansive, marble island which separated the kitchen from the living room. Upon first inspection, it was just an insignificant card which Alice had written her cellular number on, but when I flipped it over, I stared down curiously at it.

The design was simple, black and white with the name and description, "Stan Beaumont: Literary Agent", a P.O. Box, and a number listed below. A literary agent? How odd. It had to mean something for it to be here. Bella didn't seem to have gathered much of anything by accident.

I gave the space a quick once over again, this time, my mind thick with suspicion. I wondered how exactly had Bella—or Marie—come to afford this life? Had she earner her own way or was this life given to her by someone else? Who was this Stanley to her? There were so many questions, and I knew just who could help get answers for me.

"Yellow? Do you need Jazz and I to come feed you?"

"Very tasteful joke, Emmett."

"Hah. Eddie's back with funnies. So did you make up with Bella then? Is she coming to Ithaca? I'm supes bored and could use the entertainment. Rose is out looking at a new piece of scrap metal, and Carlisle and Esme always look sad. Plus I kind of miss her too."

He was downplaying how much he missed Bella. I knew they all did, exorbitantly, but I wouldn't mess her life up if she was happy. I needed more information. "No, I'm leaving her alone as long as she's happy, but I need Jasper's help with something. Why are you on his phone anyway?"

"He's in the middle of draining a panther, jealous?" I could practically feel his annoyance with me. His feelings would be justifiable given my most recent attitude-or maybe lack of attitude—toward him, but there wasn't time for his antics.

"Go get him, please."

"Nah, I don't think I will. You've been a real jerk lately. Why the hell should he help you? You haven't exactly been receptive to any of our help lately."

I released a heavy sigh and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Because we're family. Please Emmett. I'm sorry for how I've behaved, truly. I only ever wanted to spare each of you the misery of my own horrible decisions, but it was impossible. She's...I can't." I growled with my ineptitude at properly voicing my feelings.

How to describe what it feels like to rip your own heart out of your chest and watching it slowly rot away? How could he possibly understand or empathize with my plight? He was human when Rosalie found him dying. He was changed immediately and happily accepted his new reality with his mate by his side from the beginning. He would never truly understand the beauty and simultaneous horror of finding his mate but then realizing that she is unattainable to him.

Bella deserved so much more than I could ever offer. Even eternity could not substitute for the wonder and depth of the human experience. The quality far surpassed the quantity of time. To see the awe in a new mother or father's eyes after their infant is born. To hear the pride in their thoughts as they watch that child grow and change. Just to witness a change, any of the multitudes of change at all, that the humans could experience in their short time on Earth was a miracle. Oh the potential!

For me to have kept Bella would have been for me to take that all away from her. She said she didn't care, that she didn't need or want any of it, but what could a girl of only seventeen years—even one as intelligent and mature as Bella—know about what she wants out of life? Look how quickly Bella had already released every part of herself in just three short years.

"Dude. You love her. That's your girl. Go get her, and be happy." No, Emmett wouldn't understand my side at all, not as happy as he was with his existence and place in the world.

"Can you just get Jasper? Please?" I beseeched again, trying to hide the anguish of my thoughts from my voice.

"Fine, but just know that I think this sucks. Neither one of you will ever be as happy as you were when you were together. I bet, you're ruining things for her too."

That sentiment made me pause. Emmett was so simple minded and yet so full of wisdom. The natures seemed so opposing, but there was always truth in his simplicity. Could my choice to leave have affected Bella so deeply?

It didn't matter. I needed to first secure her safety before I could let my focus sway.

"Edward?"

"Jasper? Thank God. I need your help. I think Bella might be in trouble. I'm going to send you a copy of a business card. Could you track the guy down for me?"

"Yeah, easily, but what's going on with Bella?" Jasper was suddenly on high alert. From the few times he had slipped and thought of Bella around me over the years, I knew he felt terrible guilt for his part in things before I forced them all to leave, and because of that misplaced guilt, he would do anything to atone.

"She is behaving...strangely."

"Have you spoken to her? Alice said she wasn't really in the mood for a visit when she saw her earlier. It's been three years, man. What'd you expect?" He stated bluntly.

I had to control the urge to break the phone. Apparently now that I was...sentient...again, I was fair game to hear the truth. No more censoring for the heartbroken, mentally unstable vampire in the attic. "I know...but it's something else. She's changed her name, disguised herself with surgical procedures, hair dye, and color contacts. She's living in a penthouse for God's sake! Something's wrong, Jazz. And there's more...when I ran into her, my mind went blank. I reacted involuntarily. It was as if I were talking to any random human. I had none of my own thoughts, no control...I think she may be able to repel me...mentally."

"Whoa. That's uhh...different."

"You have no idea. I've really screwed things up. If she didn't think so before, she knows what a monster I am now after introducing myself to her like an imbecile."

"You introduced yourself to her?" He asked in disbelief which quickly shifted to hilarity.

"Yes, and stop laughing! I told you that I couldn't control myself. I had no memory. Waking up from that was like stepping out of a nightmare. I can't explain it..."

"Wait, You're really serious."

"Yes." I sighed.

"Ok, send the card. I'll have an address for you within the hour."

"Thank you, Jasper, truly. And...I'm sorry for everything. I owe each of you so much more than empty words, but that's all I can offer right now." The longer I allowed myself to fully participate in the world, the more I realized how much I had taken for granted. There was no way I could ever explain how much I really appreciated what they did for me even when I was so lost in my own despair.

"Well, thanks, man. You know we'll always be there for you...Even when you're being a dumbass."

"Pardon?" I had been horribly selfish for the last three years, but his criticism seemed a little harsh given the heartache I was feeling, still feeling now. The only difference from before was that I had motivation again to drive my days forward. So long as Bella was threatened, she needed me. If she needed me, I had purpose.

"You heard me."

Click

The next thirty-eight minutes dragged on as I paced Bella's living room. Finally, just after seven, he had an answer for me.

"He lives in a Condo off of Gatewood. No sign of an Isabella Marie Swan listed at her address either. It's Marie Higginbotham. Does that ring any bells?"

"Yes, Thank you. I mean it." I answered as I rushed out the door. Thankfully, the sun was setting so I could run through the trees uninhibited, shrouded by the welcome shadows of the looming night.

"Yeah, sure. Just...can you do me a favor now?"

"What's that?" Jasper rarely ever asked for anything.

"Stop being a dumbass?"

That stopped me in my tracks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that maybe Bella isn't in the danger you think she is, and maybe you should let her explain herself before assuming things, if you can get her to talk to you, that is."

"What do you know?" I demanded of him suddenly. He had to know something from the way he spoke with so much confidence.

"Nothing at all. I'm just saying that the things you and Alice have told me about Bella 2.0 could all be pointing to a different conclusion than the one you're drawing. You have a tendency to get a little insane and overbearing when Bella is concerned. There could be more to the story or a different angle here. Remember, I have lots of experience with angry people, and she seemed mighty resentful when she kicked Alice out of her apartment..." he reasoned.

I couldn't argue with him. She should feel resentment for the things I had said and done to her.

"I'll keep in touch." I responded as I approached Stanley Beaumont's residence.

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	9. GettingToKnowAllAboutYou

Ch. 9 Getting to Know All about You

Excitement and fear overwhelmed me to my core as the floral bouquet of Bella's scent wafted around me in the light breeze which drifted from the gap in a nearby open window. The tantalizing aroma was just as potent as ever and the resulting fire in my throat was a welcome reassurance that I had finally found her. Yet, there was another layer to her scent, something almost medicinal...saline, collagen, and onabotulinumtoxin—or Botox to the layperson.

With a melancholy sigh, I wondered again why Bella would make such drastic changes to her outward appearance. Not that I believed my opinion was of any value to her now, but just the sight of her entering a room back in Forks had always garnered the attention of all around her, especially mine, and subsequently made my breath catch. Her beauty was classic and unmistakeable. She was a living work of art, a most magnificent addition to such a bland world in comparison. No matter how many times I witnessed the mundane action—as ordinary and unremarkable as walking into a room might be—I had the same reaction every single time. Even earlier today I was somehow aware that I should be with her even as if I didn't consciously recognize her.

Now, as I hovered on the fire escape beneath the window of the seventh-story condominium in downtown Providence, I was once more overtaken with relief that I had no qualms recognizing Bella's familiar heartbeat, but the reprieve was short-lived when I heard just how rapidly her heart was pumping the blood through her system.

I forced my senses away from myself, scanning the area for any trace of her in the surrounding strangers' minds. I then paused as landed in the thoughts of a man who I was able to identify as "Stan," discovering that he too was upset, but about not wanting her to leave his home.

"You really mean it this time? You really want to end it? Just like that?" He asked blankly. He was picturing Bella dragging a metaphorical suitcase of money out the door with her as she went. If my interest wasn't piqued before, I was rapt in their conversation now as I tried to sift through the man's thoughts for more information, but I was coming up short. He was too absorbed by his present fears. Bella must have meant a lot for his business and monetary gains. I also noted that he was staring a bit too intently at Bella's backside for my liking. This was no gentleman.

"Just like that." I heard her teeth grit together and imagined the same facial expression she would make when Emmett was irritating her, but there was an unfamiliar edge, a bitter strain present in her voice that concerned me. "Do whatever you have to. Tell me what you need to finish this up, and I'll be there. It's time to move on." There was a brush of fabric, and a short sigh before the sound of her heels crossing the room. Heels? Bella's grace and ease with which she moved now was just as amazing to me as it had been so many hours before.

It was so frustrating to not have any context for their conversation. Stan was still distracted about the thought of losing money, but I couldn't figure out what kind of business deal this was. Because he was a literary agent, it would seem to be the obvious conclusion that Bella must be his client, but she hadn't published anything under either name. Surely one of my family members would have told me if they had seen her name—Isabella Swan—appear on the writing scene lately, and Jasper had just run a background check on her new alias. It was clean.

My mind instantly jumped to the extreme as my family always so lovingly accused me of doing where Bella was concerned, but I couldn't help it. It was my job to protect her. Was this some kind of back alley drug dealing? Was Bella undercover for some authority? Was that the problem? The CIA was more difficult to crack through than a standard firewall, but not impossible. I would have to get Jasper to check later.

I glanced down to the buzzing of my phone.

_The CIA? Seriously, Edward? _

"Look, I have somewhere to be, so just let me know, ok?" I couldn't respond to Alice. Bella was about to leave, and she might be working with a drug dealer.

"Yeah, sure." Stan sighed.

I distinctly heard the sound of puckered lips gently touching to warm skin as Bella kissed him. That mental image combined with Stan's speeding heartbeat and vivid thoughts of she and him intimately joined in bed together had me wrought with jealousy.

A low grumble escaped my chest, and I tossed a pile of crumbled brick to the ground which had unintentionally been ground out the wall in in my sudden flash of rage. This man wanted nothing of Bella but her ability to make him rich and the physical use and abuse of her beautiful body. I would murder him if he even tried to look at her against her will...

"Goodbye, Stan." There was such sadness to her voice that I brushed away my selfish anger, and focused back to her.

"Bye..."

I was in awe as I was finally able to see Bella when she made her way out of the building. Moving silently down the stairs, I stopped just out of her sight, crouching low on my heels in the alleyway. Our last meeting had not gone so well, and there was no way that I was going to get in her way or cause any more undue stress in her life. No, so long as she was safe and happy I vowed to myself that I would stay on the sidelines of her life, supporting her from afar.

Truly, I was determined to maintain my distance, watching the girl I loved from the shadows, but allowing the mind to lead the heart is a difficult feat. Seeing the depth of her sadness, slumps of her shoulders, and the heaviness in her steps, I wanted nothing more than to hold her, caress her, encourage and praise her for all that she was just for existing. I also wanted to find the one who had hurt her so badly and end his or her miserable life.

It wasn't just her physicality which she had managed to change so drastically these last three years. Bella's new wardrobe would make even Alice take a second look. She was dressed fashionably in a classic, mid-length royal blue tulle skirt and fitted, crisp white button up which she had tied up around her midsection. Her dark heels, lifted her feet gently off the ground in such a way that her toned legs appeared to climb up to the sky. Venom flooded my mouth when I my attention was caught by the band of peaches and cream flesh which peaked out beneath her blouse, exposing her fit core, but I was quick to internally berate myself. She wasn't mine. I shouldn't ogle her this way, or else I should be called no better than that scum of a man she had just left behind.

She continued down the sidewalk, stopping briefly to pick up a toy which a small boy had thrown from his stroller, smiling at him and commenting on his sweetness to his mother, all positivity and kindness, but the longer I watched her, the more concerned I grew. Her expression as she walked further up the way was indecipherable, and I—for what seemed like the ten millionth time in my life—found myself frustrated that the one mind I wanted to peruse and understand more than any other should be the one that would always be just out of reach. What was she thinking?

She paused again, this time scavenging her bag for a set of keys, and I watched as she climbed into a champagne colored Honda Civic. The car seemed out of place in her new life from what I had seen, but perhaps this was the sensible bit of the old Bella peeking through. I was surprised to find that the thought gave me hope. Hope of what, I wasn't sure.

I cursed the waning daylight when I reached the last of a row of awnings where I could remain safe from the effects of the sun. She was driving away, and I panicked. Where was she going? She didn't seem to be in the right mood for driving, even as sensibly as I knew she drove. Should I follow her? Could I follow her?

I glanced left and right, skimmed the minds of the closest passerby's, and then I made a mad dash back to the car which I had heard Alice drop off ten minutes prior. Alice was trying to respect Bella's wishes to maintain her distance apparently, and she suggested that I do the same even as she supported me. But this was a matter of Bella's safety.

I texted her a short message of thanks for the delivery as I pulled the yellow Porsche into the street. Of course Alice couldn't have just rented a normal car. She had to find the most ostentatious, most expensive sports car available. At least I would be able to catch up to Bella easily enough.

Bella drove around the city, seemingly having no destination in mind. She was upset about something, mulling it over in her mind. I would kill this 'Stan' for whatever he had done to her. She had seemed much less stressed when I had seen her earlier in the day.

"ENOUGH!" Bella screeched, pulling off to the side of the interstate.

My senses were on high alert, scanning the area left and right for any danger to Bella. What had I missed? Was there some silent threat? Was it supernatural? Her danger magnetism was one aspect of herself that I doubted she could change.

But just as I was ready to go after whatever hidden demon I was to be fighting, Bella's breathing calmed, and I watched as she picked up her cell phone and dialed, pulling back onto the road as the phone rang.

"Mediplastics, this is Roxy speaking. How may I help you?"

Mediplastics? As in the private plastic surgery practice in New York City? I knew the name because Carlisle had recently conferred with one of their partnering surgeons for a trauma patient of his. They were a well-known surgical team in New England. I guess I should be happy that she was contacting the best available, but what could she possibly need their help with? She was already perfect without the multitudes of alterations which had been made to her body. Couldn't she see it?

The woman on the line respected Bella after hearing her name, or respected her money perhaps. I recognized the urgency in the girl's nasally voice since it was the same way humans responded to one of my family members once we flashed our wallets.

Bella made an appointment for Wednesday at four-thirty, so at least I knew where she would be then. I would be nervously following along for the three hour journey there and back that was for sure.

She was nearly back to the city center for the third time when she decided to make another call. I wondered if there were some way I could jam the signal of her phone while she was driving. This was a dangerous habit to have formed while operating a motor vehicle.

"Hey Eric...It's Marie. Yes, Higginbotham. Do you know many others?" Her laugh airy and slightly forced, her tone also deepened when she spoke to this Eric. She was flirting with the man. There was that green-eyes monster of jealousy again. Oh, how I wished it were me on the phone with her.

A spy? Why did this Eric make a joke about Bella being a spy? Did he know about her name change or was he a part of the potential drug dealing?

I had successfully worked myself back up into a panic once more when my phone rang.

"Edward, please stop deciding to kill people. It's very disturbing even though I trust that you'll change your mind. Eric Yorkie is not your enemy." She sighed, her usual perkiness gone from her voice.

"Eric Yorkie? As in the student from Forks High? Why would I want to kill him?" I asked incredulously.

"I don't know. I just saw you at some posh palace—rude that you didn't even invite me to this banging party by the way—knocking his lights out." She snapped with a bit more energy.

"Eric...Bella's Eric." Comprehension no longer alluded me.

"Bella?" Alice asked unsurely.

"I've gotta go."

"Wait—"

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	10. Apologies

Ch. 10 Apologies

(BPOV)

When I woke up, my head hurt. Hurt was a wildly inadequate description, an underestimation, but I couldn't think of another way to describe what I was feeling through all the throbbing. Throbbing...That was a good one.

"Oh..." I groaned, holding the sides of my head as my ocular muscles attempted to pry my steel-laden eyes open unwillingly against the morning sunlight which streamed so brilliantly through the window and directly onto my heavy lids.

I would have liked to have slept for a couple more days—or even just another few hours—in my present condition, but between the blaring alarm clock reminding me that it was time for class and the sensation of my traitorous bladder bulging painfully in my abdomen screaming at me as if it was going to burst, I knew that I had to get out of bed. Anyway, if I was going to be the best version of myself, I needed to push through. 'Winners don't stop for a hangover,' I reminded myself.

I begrudgingly pushed my sluggish body up into a sitting position, slowly heaving my equally sluggish, uncooperative legs over the side of the mattress where they dangled limply. This was not going to be a good day.

As I moved through my morning routine, snippets of hazy memories from the night before slowly returned to me, and I suppressed another groan...Music playing loudly, me singing and dancing, falling off the stage giggling in a drunken stupor while Eric dragged me outside...He had insisted on driving me home, but I had been just as insistent that I could get myself a taxi. There was no way I was going to let him know where I lived. I barely recalled getting home...and had someone carried me inside and tucked me in? Maybe it was Tommy. Well, things were going to be awkward between us for awhile.

I stood in the shower for a solid thirty minutes, allowing the hot water to flow over me like a waterfall. These dual headed, fully jetted shower heads had been a great investment. I made a mental note to write thanks to the property inspector for making the suggestion when I bought the place.

After toweling myself dry, putting the finishing touches on my hair and makeup, and dressing in my favorite gray cotton-blend jumpsuit—both comfy and stylish—I finally felt a little bit human again. 'Hah. Human...as opposed to what? No, I'll ALWAYS feel human...'

The unwelcome, yet never straying burn crept it's way back under my ribs, and I knew that I had allowed my thoughts to drift too far where they shouldn't go. Taking a few steady, deep breaths, I altered course, instead choosing to focus on the day ahead.

First I had class from eight until one, then work at the bookstore from one thirty to seven, an appointment with my personal trainer at his studio from seven thirty until nine, and then hopefully I would be up to getting a couple of hours of writing in before I could retreat to the sanctity of my bed once more just to do it all again Wenesday. 'And don't forget the appointment at Mediplastics!' I added, and then my phone buzzed with a reminder for the same appointment, and I laughed at the timing.

My life was so planned out now that nights like last night were a commodity. Well, not for long. After my book release a month and a half from now, I would be free of that part of my life. Then I could focus on school and take a few years to travel or find myself...maybe find a real job. I wasn't sure, but I knew I would have to decide soon...I had to fill the next sixty or seventy years somehow...sigh.

Just as I was grabbing my keys, there was a knock on the door, and I paused in confusion. No one had access to my door besides Tommy, and he always called before coming up.

I walked over to the control panel for my security system which rested on the kitchen wall and pressed the "view door" button. I gasped.

It was Jasper. Jasper the one who nearly killed me. Jasper who I hadn't seen in three and a half years.

I didn't blame him for that disaster of a birthday, but it was still a jarring memory which I didn't like reliving. Although, I had to give him some credit. Jasper was the most honest of any of them. He smelled blood, and he attacked. He didn't play mind games with humans, pretending to be something he wasn't.

I shook away the unsettling memories once again and walked to the door. I glanced at the time on my phone just as I opened it. I needed to leave soon or else I would be late.

"Jasper?" I had meant to be aloof and come off as too busy to speak, but when confronted with him without the door to separate us, I was unnerved. I hadn't really ever spoken to Jasper even before that night. There had always been the buffer of Edward or Alice present.

"Hi, Bella."

"Hi." We stood staring at one another, he with a small, shy smile, me with what I hoped was a polite blankness.

The awkward pause seemed like it wouldn't end until he cleared his throat with a humored grin and asked, "May I come in?"

I blinked at the sudden break in silence, replying in a slight daze, "I'm running late for class actually."

"Oh, excuse me. I can come back later if you want. There were just some things I wanted to speak to you about, but if you're late already..." he trailed off as he began to backtrack.

I looked at the time again. I had exactly fourteen minutes before I would absolutely have to leave to get to campus on time. While I didn't feel like I owed anything to the Cullens, Jasper was the least of my problems when it came to them, so I figured it couldn't hurt to hear whatever it was he wanted to say.

"We have thirteen minutes." I stepped back from the doorway and waved him in.

"Alright, Thank you." He said graciously with the tip of an imaginary hat. I could have almost imagined him adding "ma'am" at the end of his reply. It was strange to admit, but I didn't really know much about Jasper. He could be a thousand years old for all I knew.

He moved smoothly and quietly across the carpet in that perfect way that only vampires can to sit on my sofa. "Your home is really nice." I noticed that he spoke earnestly without the threat of suspicion that Alice's voice had when she had danced around the subject of my improved appearance and lifestyle. As he looked around the space, he almost seemed...relieved. I couldn't fathom why he would feel that way, though.

"Thanks. You wanted to talk?" I prompted.

"Yeah, it's about...Alice and Edward." He appeared genuinely apologetic when he noticed me flinch at the sound of Edward's name. I was used to thinking it to myself, but it was a whole other thing to hear the name spoken aloud, especially in his perfect vampire tenor.

I looked down, wrapping my arms securely across my abdomen, desperate to hold everything in, keep my emotions to myself, and cleared my throat of the rising knot within its quarters as inconspicuously as I could. I wished in vain that Jasper wasn't also feeling the flickers of searing heat rising in my chest. 'Stop it. Don't let him do this to you. You're strong! You're amazing! Look around you!'

"What about them?" I was just able to gnaw out in an off-handed tone without meeting his eyes.

"I know that they have each run into you separately in the last couple of days unannounced, and I wanted to make sure that you were alright."

I looked back up to him. I wasn't prepared for his heartfelt concern. It could have all been an act. Though, I wasn't sure what motivation he would have to do so. Were they all into playing games then? "I'm fine." I knew he could feel my anxiety as I lied, but he didn't need to know why I felt that way. As far as I was concerned, I was fine. Just as fine as I had been for the last three years.

Jasper only nodded, his brows knitted together. "I'm glad to hear it, really. Ever since your party I've felt this heavy weight on my shoulders which I can't foresee leaving anytime soon, but I wanted to make sure that you were ok. What I did to you has been eating me up inside."

He meant it. There was no mistaking the pain in his confession. He wasn't acting. Nobody—vampire or A-list star—could mimic that look in his eyes. I knew the look well since it was what my silly contact lenses tried to hide in my own. Shame. Embarrassment. Fear of never being accepted. "It's alright. I never blamed you for anything. Never, not once." I reached across to take his hand, and he froze in shock momentarily before just barely squeezing mine in reciprocated appreciation. "If it hadn't have been you. It would have been one of the others. I'm glad that it happened when it did or I might have wasted my whole life chasing after a fantasy."

"What do you mean?" He appeared bewildered by my explanation.

"Oh come on. A clumsy human and a bunch of vampires hanging out all the time? I'm surprised none of you attacked me sooner the way I was always injuring myself..."

"No, I mean the part about chasing after a fantasy?"

"Right. That. Well, Edward and I were never going to work obviously. I mean look at him, and look at me. Bit of a difference there." He was perfect as he so easily reminded me just by showing his immaculate form, and I was...not...yet.

Jasper frowned once again. "Hmm. Well, one other thing...Did Alice or Edward seem like they were kind of...off...to you?"

Were they being weird? They seemed just as self-absorbed and hurtful as I remembered, "No, they were their same old selves. Is that all?" I couldn't help the impatience which saturated my voice when the subject shifted back to them.

His brows furrowed deeper, and looking right into my eyes, he shifted slightly forward with his hands clasped in his lap. "You're sure? Edward mentioned that he felt off around you and wasn't able to recognize you temporarily. Alice would have cried if she could when I saw her because she was so distraught over how she had treated you yesterday."

Again, I was caught off guard by what he was saying. "What are you implying? That I'm lying?"

"No, it's—"

"Edward is an ass. I know Alice is your mate, so I'll respectfully decline on saying what I want about her. What are you guys really doing here? Is this really just about leftover guilt from my birthday party three years ago? If so, don't worry about it. You were just being vampires. It was my fault for ever getting involved. Edward warned me about everything, and I was too stupid and naive to believe him. After that night and then that day in the...woods..." I paused to catch my breath, the hole blazing so painfully at the memory that I usually did everything I could to block out. Even Jasper rubbed his own chest in the exact same spot where mine felt like it was shredding. He looked even more concerned for me, but maintained his distance, allowing me to say what needed to be said. I sighed apologetically to him once my breathing slowed. "Look, all I mean is that I got the message loud and clear, and you can tell Edward that I said so, ok? I'm a human. Vampires are dangerous, and we're better off apart. He can go on doing whatever he's been doing all this time. Find some other distractions, so he doesn't have to waste anymore of his eternity on me."

"I can't say why Alice or Edward came. I know they've both missed you. We all have, but why at this exact moment did they return? I'm not sure. I'm here today, now, because I thought I could help, and maybe I can." His expression changed to a look of determination. "Is that really what he told you? When Edward left you that day? He said you were both better off apart?"

"Not in so many words," 'Not in those words' I mentally amended, "But I understood his intention well enough." Vampire good. Human bad.

Then Jasper sighed, scrubbing his palms over his face with a low chuckle. "Ugh...he really is a dumbass."

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	11. Dumbass

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Ch. 11 Dumbass

(BPOV)

"What are you talking about?" I stared dumbly at the clearly insane vampire sitting across from me on my sofa.

"He—" Jasper opened his mouth to offer what I'm sure would have been a wonderful explanation to excuse his brother's abhorrent behavior, but I cut him off, abruptly altering my course because it had occurred to me only moments after doing so that by inquiring about either Alice or Edward, I would be entering territory which was none of my business. Humans were my business. They—the no good, lousy, piece of crap vampires—could solve their own supernatural problems. They didn't need a lowly, flawed human like me slowing them down.

"Actually, you know what? Never mind. I really have to get going. I haven't been late or missed a day of class since coming here, and I'm not going to start today. It was nice to see you, Jasper. Thank you for all of your concern, but I'm really fine. I wish you the best, and hope you get things sorted out with your...family." This facade was mostly for show as I coaxed the throbbing in my chest to still. 'Be cold. Be aloof. It's what they would do,' I told myself.

"Bella?" Jasper called as I snatched my Birkin off the console table, rustling around in it to ensure that my school books were as they should be.

"You can see yourself out, Jasper. Have a good day." I called over my shoulder, meaning to storm off with fierceness and confidence, but the tie around my waist hooked onto the door handle just as the door would have closed. I sighed heavily and closed my eyes. I knew this would not be a good day, but it could only get better from here, right?

I released the cotton rope, untangling myself, and shut the door. I knew the barrier the hollow wood created between us was nothing, but it felt symbolic. I was literally and figuratively shutting the door on that part of my life.

With the ping of the elevator chiming to let me know that I was in the parking deck, I stepped onto the asphalt still digging through my bag in search of my keys. "Crap." I muttered when I remembered that I didn't have my Civic. It was still in the gas station parking lot where I had left it the night before. Which meant my only mode of transportation was my other car...my baby.

Back in Forks I had never really cared about the model of car that I drove, the older and more...durable, the better was my motto, but once I had a bit of my own money to play with, I decided why not?Edward liked fast, shiny cars, so in my quest for self-improvement, I needed a fast, shiny car too. Enter my Bugatti. She was beautiful, black and glossy exterior with red, leather interior, absolutely perfect with all the bells and whistles, and after driving this beautiful piece of machinery off the lot that first day, I began to understand the Cullens' draw to powerful, luxury sports cars.

But it was rather conspicuous. I snorted at the thought because it was exactly how Edward had described Rosalie's BMW. 'Ugh! Shut up about—'

"Edmund." My mouth drooped open, and I came to an abrupt stop fifteen feet from my car. Edward was there, pacing back and forth, combing his hands through his hair maniacally.

He stopped and looked right at me, or rather, through me as if I weren't standing right there too. I almost hissed at the burn that shot through my center, but I held the reaction in and instead shook the stupidity off my face, narrowing my eyes.

"So you're a stalker? I'll have to invest in better security." Why the hell was he here? I didn't have time for all these Maury-worthy reunions today. "You're blocking my car. Don't make me call the police." Not that they could do anything, but so long as he was going to be ridiculous, so was I.

"Pardon? I'm not stalking you. I'm waiting for someone. I didn't know you lived in this building. You never even told me your name." He appeared genuinely bewildered. His demeanor had shifted so sharply from the time he noticed me that I could only blink back at him.

How was I supposed to respond to that? So he honestly didn't know it was me? Was there actually something wrong with him as Jasper had suggested? "Look, can we just stop with this back and forth already? I don't even understand what game we're playing here. You've found me, so now what? Is there danger lurking around the corner? God, Edward, what is it?" I wished he would just spit it out. I didn't like having to play the "never know when one of the Cullens might show up" game.

"Danger?" His voice was laced in suspicion, and he was almost glaring at me.

I flinched at the severity of his expression. "Look, I need to get out of here. You're blocking my car. Please just leave me out of whatever you and Alice have going on."

"You know Alice?"

"Of course I know Alice! What the hell?! Move! I'm going to be late!"

"This is your car?" He turned around and I watched as his eyes slid over the immaculate gloss of my baby. He then looked back to me appreciatively.

"Figures you like the Bugatti..." I murmured under my breath.

He only smirked. "It's a beautiful car. Are you a collector?" He asked, taking a step in my direction, and my heart stuttered.

It was an involuntary response to his nearness. I almost moved forward myself as his lips alluringly shifted into the crooked smile I had loved so much before...before... 'Wait! He's doing it again! Gotta get outta here!'

"What is this? 'Getting to know you?'" I snapped. "I'm leaving now. I told you that I'm running late." He wasn't going to stand here, blocking me in while he tried to dazzle me. 'He doesn't love you! He's playing a game!'

I pushed passed him to leave, trying my best not to let my chagrin show, but when I did so, the back of my hand brushed ever so slightly against his, sending that all too familiar shock through my body. He jumped back a few inches, staring at his own hand in surprise.

I was taken aback by the wave of emotion the feeling brought with it, memories of us together back in Forks...listening to indie music in his room, exchanging goofy childhood memories, lying in the meadow that first and only summer under a high sun as he sparkled in the rays and tormented me with peppered kisses up and down my neck...I shuddered with unwelcome pleasure, and and it was suddenly ten times harder to breathe.

"Are you alright?" Edward asked and reached out for me.

I jerked myself backward, landing squarely in reality. That was then. This was now. He didn't want me. "I'd be better if you weren't still blocking my only exit. Excuse me." I hated the quake of weakness in my voice. I wanted to be strong. I didn't want him to see through my faux wall of fortitude.

Edward's brow knitted together as I dismissed him again, but he turned around, gracefully opened the driver side door, took another step away from my car, and waved me in. I could only stand back and watch him with a discerning eye.

"Have a nice day. I'm sorry to bother you." He said with a tight grin.

Ugh! I didn't even care anymore what was going on with him. What. An. Ass.

—Imperfect—

(EPOV)

"Edward, are you alright there, man?" I looked up to see Jasper walking in my direction. His thoughts were split between concern for me, and confusion about Bella. I was about to go up to see her when his thought invaded my mind.

"What? Jasper? Where's Bella? What are you doing here?" I demanded.

"You zoned out again. Bella just stormed passed you. You watched her leave. What's up with you?"

"She—" I cut my intended reply short as the fogged disarray of remembrance returned to me. Bella...it had happened again. My God. "No..." I whispered, my voice rich with denial as I brought my hand up to cover face.

"Yes...and I hate to break it to you, but she was not feeling so great while I was talking to her. Lots of negativity—insecurity, sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety, doubt..."

"Why? What did she say?"

"Not much. She's pretty tight-lipped about everything. She was very gracious about the...err...birthday party incident, but didn't seem too interested in talking about...other things."

Me. I saw in his thoughts that she didn't want to talk about me, and I groaned in shame. "What have I done..?" I asked aloud.

I meant the question to be rhetorical, but Jasper clearly didn't think that it was. "You've screwed up. Big time. We're talking life-altering, might-never-find-happiness-again mistakes..."

"Thank you for clarifying." The rumble in my chest would have been intimidating if I didn't want so badly to cry.

"I said might." He replied with a sigh, and he came to place a hand of comfort on my shoulder. "Look, it was just a flicker, a tiny blip really, but there was something else I felt come from her when we were talking about you."

"What? Hate? Disgust? Misery? Vengefulness?" I listed off as my thoughts took a turn for hopelessness.

"Some of those, yes." He chuckled, back to enjoying my discomfort. I didn't see the humor in any of this, but at least someone was benefitting from my turmoil.

"Wonderful." I spoke sardonically through my teeth.

"I'm kidding...it was desire, loss with longing...a yearning." He looked at me pointedly.

But my head jerked up in disbelief. "Yearning?" I couldn't help the incredulity in the question. He must have misinterpreted.

"Yes, it was quick and very fleeting, but it was there. And it was powerful. And as I said before, you are a dumbass."

I could say nothing. I was, in fact, the most substantial dumbass there ever was. I had no doubt that my given name would be listed under examples of the term in the dictionary. Years ago, I might have disputed that fact in all my selfish arrogance, but now, humility, remorse, and mortification were my constant companions.

But yearning? Surely this was some remnants of emotion tied to a cursory thought. Jasper was clearly the expert in identifying moods and emotions, but without the thoughts to fully interpret what he was reading, the ability was almost pointless in some situations, this being one of them.

"You're mistaken. She's interested in Eric Yorkie. It was probably him that she was thinking of. Your conversation surely reminded her of all the pain and suffering I put her through. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to be angry with the human who can have everything that I so desperately crave, but he is kind, driven...noble even...just the kind of man Bella should have in her life." My volume had lowered to a point at which I wasn't sure that even Jasper could hear, but he still responded.

"I know how my actions have negatively affected your life, and I'm sorry for that. You of all people understand how much contempt I have for this part of myself that I struggle to control every day, but this is my gift. I know that Bella still cares for you. It may be buried deep under that anger that she's so good at projecting these days, but there was absolutely no misinterpreting what she feels for you. That level of pain, heartbreak...rejection..." he rubbed absentmindedly at his chest, and I saw Bella doing the same in his memory. "That doesn't just stick around for years from one bad break-up. It doesn't just appear or come and go, not at that intensity. That is the kind of feeling that festers and grows with time and dedication. She loves you."

"No. You're wrong." I vehemently rejected his theory, and it was that, just a theory. He couldn't know this. I saw Bella. I read her face which had always been such an open book to me, despite the mysterious silence of her mind. "She hates me. I saw it. I may not have the gift of manipulative empathy, but I swear to you I practically felt the enmity radiate from her."

"Love and hate are often neighbors in passion." He said with a smirk.

"No—"

"Oh, come on. What do you have to lose? If I'm wrong, you are already alone and depressed. Nothing will change. I know that's harsh, but look at yourself, man. You spend all your days following Bella around, waiting on the outskirts of her life for something to happen. That's no way to exist. If you want things to change, then make it happen. I know the mating bond when I feel it. I have it for myself, and you and Bella have it. She won't ever find that with anyone else, noble or not."

I was stunned into silence. Jasper was a man of few words. He almost never spoke at length or so passionately about anything, certainly not with the seriousness which was so resonant in his voice and expression now. He believed this fiction. "I'm sorry, but I can't accept your judgement as truth. I mean no offense in saying this, but you were incorrect or, perhaps, only partially right when you said I have nothing else to lose. Right now, I may not be able to hold her, to touch her, to even speak with her, but she's there. She's near. She's safe. And with knowing that...there's hope."

"Just now when I approached you, your pain and anxiety were so prominent that I was worried I was going to have to call Emmett to help me drag you out of here. You don't have hope. You have shame and despair. You have fear."

"Oh, and what, pray tell, brother, am I so afraid of?" I scoffed. The bitterness of my response was poorly concealed.

"You're afraid that it might work out. You're afraid that you might have true happiness."

"Why would I be afraid of that?" He didn't know what he was talking about. He thought that his gift and ability made him the expert in every relationship, but I couldn't grant him that credit here.

"Because love means the potential for loss. You lost your parents. You lost your human life, your potential for human growth and development. You lost the future which you had believed was guaranteed to you at birth. And now, if you won over Bella, if you truly accepted her as a part of this existence, you might lose her."

"I've already lost her!" I yelled. He was so wrong that it was laughable. He knew how I felt. He knew there was no darker place than my mind in all those days without my love so near.

"You haven't, though. Your loss was temporary, controlled under your conditions. You broke her heart, pushed her away because you saw where it could lead, would lead. You saw her as one of us. You knew that there was always the chance, no matter how slim, that you could have her fully, and it scared you because then you could lose her permanently." He answered in reasonably calm manner compared to my uncivil shouting.

There was no one around in the parking deck, but I knew that could change at anytime, especially with how conspicuous I was being, so with great conscious effort, my next words were nothing but a hiss. "Of course it scared me! To see her like us? Walking death!" I was pacing and pulling at my hair. I turned abruptly back to him, determined to make him see. "If you could grant Alice the gift of humanity back, wouldn't you? If you could give her a life of change, of children and grandchildren, wouldn't you? If you could give her a soul, WOULDN'T YOU?!" I growled the last two words, unable to restrain the anger I was feeling toward my arrogant, yet erroneous, brother.

"No. I wouldn't." He stated assuredly.

I could only scoff at his confidence. I couldn't believe that he—who had spent so much time in a living hell with the vampire armies of the South—would be speaking this way. He couldn't really mean to say that he would choose this life for anyone. He was just saying these things because he didn't have to consider the horror of watching over a human mate all the time, of having to constantly be on alert to her needs which were many. Bella was so fragile, like a thin piece of glass which might shatter or even just crack with the slightest mishandling. "Yeah, right."

"Those things mean nothing without true love. If I could flip a switch, blink and change it all, I wouldn't. I guess I'm selfish that way, but I don't think Alice would change any of those things either. And if I recall, Bella told you that she didn't believe that way. You dismissed her reasoning. You thought you knew better. She is young, and you had it partially right when you gave her the time to live her life and experience things, but you also destroyed her spirit by doing so. She's a shell of the girl you once new. She reminds me a lot of you, actually. You're not whole without her, and she won't be whole until you can convince her that you won't hurt her again."

"You don't understand, Jasper." I embraced the relief that came with retreating to my now habitual state of forlorn dejection. This was a feeling of familiarity. No more trailblazing in the unknown and fearful paths of actualization and self-discovery.

"I guess you're right. I really don't understand. I don't understand how you can deny yourself love over and over, but, then again, you almost seem to thrive in self-pity. But you've never been one to so openly hurt those you love."

"What are you talking about?" I was growing exhausted with Jasper's riddles. He had been concealing his thoughts pretty successfully throughout this whole ordeal.

"Bella, you're killing her. I don't know what you said or did besides the vague explanation you offered before running off to Timbuktu or wherever the hell you went, but she's on the verge of a mental break. She's barely holding it together any better than you are. The difference is, as you have so thoroughly made me see, she is human. Humans can't manage their pain and devastation the way that we can. And that, brother, is why you are a dumbass."

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